November 21-27. Thanksgiving Week

 Saturday November 21

My days are lazy now. No garden and vegetable processing to keep me relatively active. Reading the latest Lincoln Lawyer this morning. 

 

Did diary editing and had long talk with Janice Brodowski, both of us ranting about Trump. She’s having knee surgery tomorrow. Such a nice woman.

 

Am doing Jack Kornfield’s mediation course online and today he demonstrated walking mediation, which I practiced in the upstairs hall this morning but I find it difficult. Don't know how to quiet thoughts while hobbling back and forth. This afternoon I pushed through inertia to try it on the path around the pond.  It’s rough walking and I have to use my cane, so meditation while trudging over tufts of grass is tough. A rib cage and neck bones of a small deer were lying in the path, followed by tufts of fur strewn in frozen agony, and punctuated by a large coil of scat. It looks too big for coyote. Maybe brown bear.   It looks recent.  A lone doe has been wandering the meadow for about a week.  Although she’s not large, she doesn’t look small enough to be the holder of the bones.  In fact, she’s out there now. I hope it isn’t Mom.  

 

Made an elaborate tuna casserole that I’m too tired to eat. Listened to Fresh Air interview with Obama while put it together. Always miss him. 

 

Finished the crown and started queens gambit.

 

Sunday November 22

 

Jeremy called and I asked him if he had talked to his mother about Thanksgiving. She's just cooking for herself and Hank so Jeremy will be alone.  I try to give her the benefit of the doubt but she continues to be so emotionally rejecting. Jeremy isn’t the easiest person. He has his father's knee jerk negative responses to almost anything, but once you get past that, he has a sense of humor even about his own eccentric interests, a mind for detail, and he’s a good person. 

 

Watched Jack Kornfield's session on mindful eating. He’s very soothing.  Did walking meditation down and up the upstairs hallway. 

 

Willie called. No covid test results yet and won’t get them until tomorrow or Tuesday. He’s supposed to come up tomorrow in the train. Michael was uneasy, although I think the odds are very low that he’s positive. I don’t want this to be my decision. I want to see my son. But if he has a positive result and infects me he would be devastated. Problem solved when I suggested that he take an evening train on Tuesday. 

 

Made a tri-tip roast. I currently have no meat thermometer so it was slightly overcooked. 

 

Watched Misfits and Queens Gambit. Anne called in the middle. I wished her a happy birthday. Her brother Jack just broke up with a nice woman with whom he's been with for over a year. He's still married but has been separated for decades to his first wife Gail, who cheated on him years ago with a man who subsequently died.  Jack attempted suicide afterward by drinking window washer fluid and became legally blind. Ann doesn't think they'll ever get divorced (Catholic).  He’s 75 but still handsome and has no trouble attracting women. Ann refers to him as a hound dog.

 

Monday November 23

Slept late.

 

Willie called. He tested negative and is coming up today. Yay. Geoff emailed me, and he and Kim want to spend the night tomorrow on their way to Albany to pick up Julian. Also good. 

 

And Elka has somewhat redeemed herself.  During my morning call with Jeremy, I offered to order a Thanksgiving dinner delivery for him through grub hub after finding a few Portland restaurants open that day that use the service.   Elka, however, will be bringing him Thanksgiving dinner to heat up.  He still has to eat by himself, but at least she's showing some maternal kindness.

 

Anne called. She’ll be coming over Friday night for dinner.

 

Responded to a long email from Jill.

 

Listened to Cuomo's latest press conference on the virus. He talked about how heartbreaking it was not being able to see his daughter for Thanksgiving. He made a nice observation however: this Thanksgiving isn't abnormal; it's special. The day is about spiritual rather than physical gathering and is more profound than other Thanksgivings. Made me weepy and feeling better about this sparse holiday. 

 

Picked Willie up at four thirty. Made a frittata. Our project this week is to watch the West Wing.

 

Tuesday November 24

Had a weird tumultuous night of meditations, some evoking strange images. This is new. Worked through them settled the mind down allowing me to sleep.

Took a walk around the pond. The day was chilly but sunny so I sat on the swing to cool the brain, but a raging chainsaw near the end of the drive tore the pretty morning into pieces. 

 

We picked up sandwiches from Cascade. 

 

This morning, I received confusing emails and texts from Carole Clark with various pictures of Recovery Kitchen volunteers—some identified and some not—that she wants me to put together for a series of Facebook posts thanking them. In the afternoon I cobbled together several lists of volunteers categorized by their contributions, which was a soothing exercise. 

 

Willie and I watched an episode of BBC's 2016 War and Peace. Was ok, but Willie can't stand Paul Dano, who plays Pierre, so not sure how far we'll get into it. 

 

Am reading a book of CS Lewis essays that Willie had given me on Christianity. Smart and compelling.  

 

Michael went to his Greenport Planning Board meeting. Reconstituted frozen soup for when he got home. Tired of soups but they’re handy.

 

Watched West Wing and then Undoing. Geoff and Kim arrived after we were asleep.

 

Wednesday November 25

Kim brought pumpkin custard and little pies for us, which is great because I wasn’t baking this year. 

 

Didn’t see much of them until Geoff picked Julian up from school and brought him back for lunch. Julian seems to have grown again; he's very gaunt and looks exhausted. Kim says he sleeps during the day and then is awake all night. It now being day this means he hasn’t slept since yesterday. Worry a bit.

 

Alternated reading Northanger Abbey and CS Lewis’ Mere Christianity all afternoon. 

 

Watched War and Peace with Willie in late afternoon. Made tomato sauce with bacon for pasta dinner.

 

Watched West Wing.

 

Thursday November 26 Thanksgiving 

Reading CS Lewis Mere Christianity while waiting for Michael to finish cleaning the kitchen before I mess it up today for Thanksgiving Dinner. No turkey. Am making chicken roulade with bread stuffing and cranberry sauce as the T-Day tribute. Listening to classical music on Spotify. Soothing,

 

Had a Google meet-up with sisters and spouses and Dominique and Devon. Both Lee and Patty are having lasagna. Our sound didn’t work half the time, but it was fun. Everyone had to tell a joke, not one of our family talents. Mine was the penguin joke that I leaned over thirty years ago from Janet Czarnetski, our art director at Scientific American Medicine. One evening when we were both working late, I was complaining that I could never learn jokes well enough to tell them. She said, "Here’s one you’ll remember." And she told me the penguin joke, which I still remember and is, in fact, the only joke I've remembered. Lee was next and launched into a story about a rich man who gave a lawyer, a minister and a doctor five million dollars. She started the joke in the middle, however, and Tom interrupted her and gave her the opening. Lee continued, but mangled it so badly that it turned out to be the funniest joke of all. Great to have us all together even if virtually. Love my family. 

 

Face Timed with both Jeremy and Sarah. Jeremy gave us a tour of his apartment and his various collections: model airplanes, Star Wars figures, and, of course, sports caps. His apartment is very neat, which was unexpected given his room of horror when we are living together. He was drinking beer (Yeti stout) at nine in the morning Portland time, however, which is a bit worrisome. Sarah was having Thanksgiving with a friend of hers and had made three types of cranberry relish. Seemed cheerful.

 

Our T-Day dinner just with Willie turned out fine. Afterward we watched Big Night, my second favorite food movie after Babette's Feast.

 

Friday November 27

Bad sleep. Got up late. Prepared green chilies and Yorkshire batter for dinner. Read in the morning and then Willie and I watched as much of Greta Gerwig's Little Women as we could stand. Far too many giggles and theatrical dramatics and awkward dancing--just another version of Greta.  

 

Talked to Jill, during which Willie and I challenged her with cat dictator puns. Hers were excellent: Napawlean and Paw Pot.  She’s feeling better physically. Good holiday calls all around. 

 

Richard Wallace and Ann came over for the roast beef, which was over cooked but the meal turned out ok. Nothing ever wrong with green chilli rellenos Yorkshire pudding.

 

After they left, we watched as much of Hillbilly Elegy as we could stand. It was pretty vapid, with Glenn Close playing the author's grandmother, gruff but golden hearted, full of homegrown homilies. Ick. The author himself escaped Appalachia and ended up at Yale. Ironically, Close herself was a Yale graduate, and her portrayal of the grandmother failed to have any truth behind it. We then watched West Wing, which was a pallet cleanser.

 

November 14-20. Willie's Covid Test, Visit with Strohmeyers, and Zoom Call With the Browns

  

Saturday November 14

Did some Cloudpunk with Willie. Made eggs for lunch with cornbread.  

 

Talked to Ginny for an hour about her charges, particularly the latest on Mary, an 80-year-old hoarder who gives what little money she has to her useless son.  She had bedbugs and dogs and cats with consequent feces and piss all over the house before they moved her into a nice but petless assisted living house, which she hates. She wants her old life back, sitting in her lounge chair, watching TV, with her dogs at her feet.   

 

Wasted afternoon on ancestry looking for Sarah Bridges Patch, who may but probably wasn’t accused of being a witch.  I might give up. 

 

Michael, Willie, and I went to Liz and Geoff’s for gumbo and to see Ann and Bill Strohmeyer, who are the latest refugee old friends from the Apple. As expected it was fun and tasty.  Stories about Italy and Willie's father as a young man.

 

Sunday November 15

 

Willie and I finished Cloudpunk, a pretty good game but a little slow on the PS4 and on the plot.  Finally the plot heated up and then game was over.  Assume they’re building a sequel.

 

Dropped Willie off at the train.  He’s coming back on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. He seems disheartened again, maybe due to the weather or because the anniversary of his break-up is looming. 

 

Edited the diary entry when I learned the MRI results and was reminded of the very brief time I have left if the cancer in my liver is progressing—only about a month. I’m not sure I’m brave enough for this.  

 

Richard wrote and offered me an air brushed very sleek painting of a nude, looked like it was done in the thirties.  He thought of me because of the two portraits I have in my bedroom—one of my zaftig kind naked lady and the other my tough fair minded WWII WAC.  The two sides of women. They both speak to me.  I wrote back to Richard that she was too polished for my girls and me. 

 

Nearly an inch of rain today.

 

Roasted a chicken with potatoes.  Didn’t cook it long enough and had to put it in for another half hour.  Was ok.  Done and not too dry.  

 

Watched Misfits and new Crown season.  

 

Monday November 16

Was in the bathtub from two to four AM finishing that ridiculous romance novel that Alix Cohen had sent me.  Overwrought, riddled with clichés, bland ridiculous characters. I love the idea of the plot. Young American girl saves English garden that has mysterious curse, in which some historical evil kills all the plants. It was so badly written but I skimmed it to see if anything happened that wasn’t obvious or predictable.  There wasn’t. As a result, sleepy today.  

 

Asked Jeremy if he was spending Thanksgiving with his mother. He said no. I didn’t press why but hate to see him by himself. 

 

Returned a call to Lee, which was frustrating.  She talked non-stop about her friends, her viewing and reading choices, her kids, her hikes, her dinners, her choruses. I had to yell into the phone to interrupt her if I wanted to say anything to which she no response, even if when related to what she had to say. But this is the way she is and always has been. That bubble of oblivion has always been a problem. On the other hand she is kind, generous, creative, and (unlike me) without judgment. 

 

Got a certified reprimand from the state board of elections over an entry error I made in October 2019 when reporting campaign financials for Gene, which I thought I had cleared up.  I fixed it and called the board, hoping this settled the issue but didn't hear back.

 

Willie just called and is being quarantined after one of his students tested positive. He had a negative rapid test today, but the test has a high rate of false negatives in people who aren't symptomatic. He’s getting the more accurate five-day test tomorrow. I let Liz know about possible exposure. 

 

More nice email exchanges with Jill.  Wish I could see her. 

 

Dumped a dozen bags of blueberries into the field, which had been in the freezer since 2012. Given that Victorian explorers had cooked up a wooly mammoth and eaten it without ill effects, I figured the berries would be ok if I boiled and strained them into syrup but Michael was horrified by the idea. Hate to waste food, particularly when grown here. 

 

Made creamed chicken on baked potatoes here, and on Face Time I helped guide Willie through a lemon zucchini pasta 

 

Watched Misfits, Crown, and last Crandall episode.

 

Tuesday November 17

 

Worked on a new appeal for the Recovery Kitchen. We sent one out last week, which generated about $5000. I thought this was pretty good, but Carole was disappointed and wants another one sent out before Thanksgiving.

 

Spent the rest of the afternoon editing the diary instead of taking a walk in a very dreary chilly day. 

 

 Dave dropped by with pea soup he has made. Talked politics and friends. One of Janet’s sisters has a stroke and is in a coma. Janet and I each day face the existential challenge of a known shortened life and then suddenly her sister goes into a coma. Why do we worry about our deaths at our age?  

 

Willie had to wait in line for two hours in 30-degree weather for the longer Covid test. What if he or others in line actually have Covid? He later texted me a picture of the BBQ sandwich he made so I guess he’s ok so far.

 

Made sausage and heated up Dave’s soup. Watched Undoing and the Crown

 

Wednesday November 18

Worked more on new appeal letter for the RK and then hobbled up the drive and down to the pond listening to Fresh Air podcast interviewing Gillian Anderson about her rather stilted portrayal of Margaret Thatcher on The Crown.  Temperature was below freezing but I had enough layers to stay warm. It was gratifying to see that the water level has risen so that the bottom of the dock touches and it’s almost up to the bottom of the outlet. Maybe rain is coming this week.

 

Read the latest in Ian Rankin's John rebus series before lunch and then made fried egg sandwiches. Lazy day. Edited diary in the afternoon. 

 

Had a long good Zoom call with Peter and Susan brown, who are quarantining in their High Falls second home. It's only 45 minutes away but we've never managed to get together. Talked kids, politics, choral singing, bad knees, and cancer. A black snake fell down from Peter's garage rafters onto a Biden sign that he was putting together.  Fun talking to them. They are another couple that goes back years. Willie and their daughter Julia were in day care together on the upper West Side and Peter was a scientific American editor, with whom I kept in touch with after we all left. 

 

Baked lemon chicken breasts with rice and broccoli.

 

Watched Misfits and The Crown 

 

Thursday November 19

 

Woke up obsessed about buying groceries for Turkey week and then realized I could order through Instacart. It’s expensive but worth it now that the virus has risen again. 

 

The ugliest story I’ve read today is by a nurse in South Dakota treating patients hospitalized with Covid. Some deny they have the virus even as they are dying, insisting that they have something else, like pneumonia or even lung cancer. They spew hatred at Biden and the democrats up to the moment they are intubated and can’t speak anymore. Their last moments are filled with rage and denial instead of connections with loved ones. What terrible trouble that man has made in our country, using false information on the virus to alienate even his dying followers from comfort.

 

Had Recovery Meeting on Zoom to plan next mailing.  Went fine. I feel so disengaged though. I suppose that’s to be expected.

 

Made pumpkin soup for dinner. Not exciting but ok.

 

Watched Bruce Springsteen’s new beautiful documentary about making his latest album. I didn't love the music but I did the film with its haunting nostalgia and celebration of the collective joy among his old band in creating it.

Also watched The Crown. 

 

Friday November 20

Started a new meditation course with Jack Kornfield, whom I watched a year or so ago and liked. He has a center in Massachusetts with Sharon Salzburg. I was disappointed about Pema after reading about her mentor, Chögyam Trungpa, who was accused of sexual predation and physical assault of students and his wife.  He was a popular guru in the sixties after an impressive escape from Tibet and an Oxford education.  He started Shambhala teachings, which attracted a number of celebrities, but his military subset of followers for “security and his drug use and alcoholism smelled of all those Indian cults ala Rashnish.  Pema should have been aware of it. She recently quit the Shambhala community as senior teacher after sexual abuse accusations of the current leader but maybe not soon enough.

 

Rode the old wooden swing, flowering with lichen. Listened to the heartbreaking rattle of the dead leaves above my head and spotted the herons nest high up in the crotch of an oak, a weathered sailor clutching to a swaying mast. My husband, languid and graceful, was walking across the field toward the house. Autumn light suddenly startled the bones of the field with the illusion of life. 

 

Made eggplant parm with the frozen Rosa Bianca slices I had roasted this summer and sauce from the garden's cherry tomatoes. I coated them in flour and Parmesan, which had been blended together in our good processor, and then fried. It was good. I had felt too lazy to cook but found myself automatically putting everything together.

 

Watched Mandalorian and The Crown.

 

November 7-13. Geoff and Kim Visit, Mowing the Field, Picking the Garden

Saturday November 7

Feeling washed out and full of self pity. Seems to be part of the chemo pattern. Whiny  with Michael. Wanted to be fed. 

 

We had sandwiches from Talbots and Arding with Geoff and Kim while listening to CNN as they announced Biden’s victory, which was a national relief. But it didn’t bring me the joy that Obama’s win did. It was different. Trump was traumatizing and it will take awhile to recover from his destructive behavior. It's also not clear that he will be gone.  But the streets are filled across the nation over the day and other people’s joy was moving, particularly the response of black women to Kamala’s vice presidency. But she and Biden are stuck with such a mess and half the population struck in deception, 

 

I hobbled out to the swing while the kids took a hike at the Greenport Conservancy, where they joined a lot of happy people out walking, 

 

We ordered from Ca Mea for dinner and watched Biden and Harris speak. Trump hadn’t conceded and won’t until all the absurd law suits he’s instituted claiming voting fraud have been settled. 

 

Watched Schitt's Creek after kids went to bed. Now I have insomnia but as I recall it's part of the first chemo week pattern. 

 

Sunday November 8

Spent the morning reading the latest in the series by Caimh McDonnell about Bunny McGarry tough Irish ex-cop who has spent the last six books hunting down the love of his life. Funny and clever with outrageous plots. Heaven for me is reading all the past, current, and future novels by good writers with solid plots, interesting characters, and wit. If I'm in heaven, I won't care that much about the meaning of life books.

 

Went back to the swing in the meadow watching the graceful death of the goldenrod, whose seeds are piled at the top like jeweled head dresses. The field stays beautiful to the end.  Michael was in the tractor, however, mowing it all down we can seed it with more wildflowers. The birds that hunt among the dried stalks are alarmed. \

 

Geoff and Kim off for a short hike before they go home. 

 

Still feeling weak and shaky. Too little sleep last night.

 

Ate cheese and apple for dinner. Watched last of Schitt's Creek. Ok sleep, but had to take bath in the middle of the night. 

 

Monday November 9

Feeling better today. Did a lot of Recovery Kitchen catch up work on lists, spreadsheet, and website. 

 

Sent Fowzy’s resume to Rebecca. It claims a work history of being an event curator. I no idea what that is, nor do I understand what the website does, which Rebecca works for.  So I figured, what the hell. Maybe there's some kind of millennial match up.

 

Was able to each both break fast and lunch and am up for cooking dinner. 

 

Talked to Patty and we agreed to Zoom Thanksgiving leftovers. Also talked to Lee, which is a little difficult. She talks non-stop and wears me out. She wants to get Brett and Geoff kids together at my house. I warned her that I want sure what’s happening with me and that if the next scan showed ineffective chemo then I wasn’t sure how much time I would have. I wanted to force her into focusing on my uncertain future, but she responded by telling me that her high school friend Grace remembered what a good little sister I had been. I think losing me will be harder on Lee than almost anyone. I want her to be prepared but she has always circled around the many hard realities in her life with a peculiar obliviousness.  It hasn't stopped her, however, from being incredibly generous with her kids, even when they were most difficult.  

 

Took a nap after talking to her. Now sitting on the swing watching Michael mow. Hate to see the bones of the meadow gone and stubbled. Walking better than yesterday. Recovering from this round.

 

Cooked chicken curry and watched Undoing, John Oliver, and Mandelorian with adorable baby Yoda. . Satisfying viewing experience. Now awake at one thirty after bath, looking at stars out the window. Twitchy legs as always. Eventually they relax but not for a long time.

 

Tuesday November 10

Another gorgeous day. Diary editing this morning. It is over one year since I started this. Wasn’t sure if I would continue it past it first anniversary but I find it useful, if not very exciting. 

 

Out picking the last of the Brussels sprouts. Such a good crop. I hug the stocks as if it was a cello and then I viciously scrape off the little sprouts. I feel like I’m killing babies. I really shouldn't anthropomorphize everything.  The de cicco broccoli is still pushing out its blooming primeval florets. And the collards flourish, although with great gaping holes from the cabbage moths, who seem to persist through all bad weather and season changes. Nevertheless, great garden this year. I also picked the last of the oregano and thyme in the back herb garden. Very happy to get all of these in.

 

Cooking again today. I made big batch of coleslaw for dinner and for freezing. Served with burgers that I cooked in the sous vide and then seared. Very successful. 

 

Talked to Willie. He and Shannon, the single mom, appear to be continuing as friends. She likes him, thinks he’s funny, but his extreme religiosity is a problem. She said he couldn’t expect her to go to church with her. 

 

Meanwhile he’s learning to cook using Fresh direct, a service that sends precise ingredients for two meals plus a step by step recipe for putting them together. He sends me pictures of his food, which looks great.

 

Watched Mandelorian, which is part of the Star Wars franchise and a pleasure that I share with Jeremy. Also started a new series, the Misfits. And watching Crandall in the afternoon on my own, a British series with great old lady actresses based on a Mary Gaskell novel. Good streaming.

 

Wednesday November 11

Went to supermarket today, which is always arduous and shaky, but managed ok. 

 

Spent rest of the morning reading Fowzy’s stories about his childhood in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan.  He’s such a unique, wonderful exotic person with a completely fascinating story.  And he’s a good writer.  I hope he continues this narrative.  

 

Processed red chili sauce and Brussels sprouts.  

 

Got an email from both Peter Brown and Joe with Mary Wisnovsky’s obituary.  I responded to Joe with sympathy but what I really wanted to say was that I hope I didn’t make her cancer fight and last months harder.  This of course is about me, but it's difficult to know how to respond with sympathy without being phony or referring to the past complications.

 

Dave dropped by.  He and Janet are having Stuart, Ann, and Richard Wallace for Thanksgiving.  I try not to be resentful.  We have not had dinner with David and Janet either as couples or with friends for years.  We are all very cordial now, given our mutual cancer, but I will never again risk asking her to dinner and getting rejected with that sweet passive aggression.  Our cancer bonding hasn't made us that close or intimate.  

 

Made enchiladas.  Comfort food.  I told Michael that there’s no point in cooking anything that isn’t comfort.  So I'm going to focus my cooking on three sources: southwest (green and red chilies), Mediterranean (red sauce, lemon, oregano, thyme), Anglo Saxon  (vinegar, horse radish). 

 

Watched Misfits and Cranford. 

 

Thursday November 12

Read this morning, did some Recovery Kitchen work, and then revived my curry and coleslaw for lunch with Neville and Harris, who drove up. We talked about the election and they updated us on the house and holiday plans, which are difficult for the world for this year.  Harris' birthday tomorrow.

 

Sarah called in the evening, raging against the day, obsessing on injustice, but unable to act. Her loneliness is palpable. After I called Ann, who wants a ride to Liz and Geoff’s on Saturday. We talked about her colonoscopy and her own unsettling holidays.

 

Watched Misfits and Cranford. 

 

Friday November 13

It's Patty and Harris’ birthdays. Found a great animated personalized card for both featuring Smokey Robinson in a convertible. I want to send it to everyone. I’ve watched it six times already.  Very cheery.

 

Had a nice long conversation with Jill, talked about her research, the various fathers in her life, her wonderful kids.  Was great.  No edge. 

 

Picked Willie up at six thirty and had chili and corn bread. 

 

We watched the wonderful Mandelorian, with lots of references to the first and best Star Wars. 

October 31-November 6. Neo-Carol Lunch, Chemo, and Election

 Saturday October 31

Richard, Carol, Rebecca, and her boyfriend Jesse are staying at a dreary hotel in Woodstock. (In order to avoid confusion, Richard refers to me as Paleo-Carol and his second wife as Neo-Carol.) They planned to pick up lunch in Hudson and bring it over, but Carol texted Willie to say that Richard has a cough and sore throat. She, Rebecca, and Jessie would buy lunch in Hudson and drop it off, but wouldn’t stay. When they arrived, however, it just seemed wrong that they wouldn’t come in and eat lunch with us, so they did and it was very pleasant. Covid is spreading from small group gatherings of family and friends. Oh well. If Richard tests positive, then we’ll just have to deal with it.

 

Willie and I did some Cloudpunk gaming after they left.

 

I watched the Zen Jesus series but it’s so tedious I have to stop.

 

I roasted a beast, which Michael and I ate but Willie was on a three-hour call with Shannon, a single mom and latest online candidate.

 

Sunday November 1

Did Cloudpunk with Willie until time to take him to train at two thirty. Rainy day.

Am reading Sense and Sensibility all day. Soothing Jane. 

Made biscuit topping for shepherd pie. 

Watched Schitt's Creek. 

 

Monday November 2

Went to Albany for Dr. Luyun appointment. Scheduled my next chemo for early December. The PET scan will be scheduled sometime before that and I asked what would happen if the chemo wasn’t working. The only option is the terrible 5F-U and another platinum agent. I think that would be it for me. He then launched into one of his incomprehensible monologues about his problems at work. This one involves him coming in yesterday and discovering either missing labs or looking at the wrong report from someone with the same name as his patient. Dr. Luyun asked if I voted yet and I asked if he had. He exclaimed, slightly irritated. “Yes! I did yesterday!” As if within the tangled web of missing labs he had already told me. 

 

Bought sandwiches from Cascades for late lunch with Harris and Neville, who came by about three. Really nice to see them and get news on the house progress. The garage is the problem. They have to wait some weeks for the new roof and solar panels before they get electricity. This has delayed getting on with their work and Harris seemed discouraged.

 

Made puttanesca sauce for pasta and ate it fairly late, but figured I needed food for chemo tomorrow.

 

Watched HBO Undoing and some Schitt's Creek.

 

Tuesday November 3

Liz drove me to chemo today. It was nice having a chance to talk by ourselves. We are mostly with our friends, either at their house or ours. Dozed through the infusion after Benadryl hit. 

 

Stopped to vote on the way home. No lines so I'm glad we waited till Election Day. Brenda the Republican inspector with whom we had worked with collegially for the years was there. Smart and tough. Was happy to see her and nostalgic about the inspector work. The day is long (5 am to 10 pm) and we eat bad pizza, but everyone in our part of rural Greenport comes in to vote. It strengthens the appreciate of the Democratic process, where the polar divide is warmed up by the generations behind the residents whose mixed political views have anchored the present. And to be truthful often the Republicans are far more agreeable than our cantankerous Democrats. Just don't bring up Trump

 

I made green chili chicken and rice casserole and processed collards in anticipation of election night and upcoming chemo effects. 

 

We started biting our nails during uncertain election results and I seriously considered baking cookies. But went to bed at eleven when it was apparent that final numbers were days away. I woke up every hour though and checked the progress to be sure Trump hadn't claimed victory as he did in 2016.

 

Wednesday November 4

Wanted to get to grocery store this morning while side effects haven’t kicked in. (they usually hit after the Neulasta kicks, which is in the afternoon after the infusion). However this morning I was treated to hideous diarrhea as soon as I woke up so ended my hope off getting to the store. 

 

Obsessing on news. My political journey through my 77 years as an American has never been a sentimental one. It's always a rocky road. McCarthy in the fifties (at eleven, I detested him as he shouted in black and white TV), Vietnam (the darkest experience), all those terrible assassinations, the Reagan years, and then Iraq. But there were also changes in civil rights and Dorothy Day, Obama and Ruth Bader, and the biracial Black Lives Matter marches. The few Tumpsters I personally know aren’t evil just hideously misguided by the lies perpetrated by Fox and Friends that the Democrats are going to turn America into a commie state. It’s a crazy country but never dull. Racism and public corporations with their legal responsibilities only to shareholders and profits are the evil twins in our country. 

 

Sunny day with temperatures reaching sixty, with warm days predicted for the rest of the week, unfortunately at peak chemo flattening ugh. 

 

Sewed a hole in my sweater with my usual disabled needle skills. Looks bunchy but the holes are gone. 

 

Walked down to the Pond, which looks like it grew about a foot after last week's rain. So pretty. Now sitting on this wonderful weathered swing, meditating and watching flocks of birds collect on the trees and fly south over my head in the hundreds. Their breasts flash orange but I don’t think they’re robins. Maybe Orioles. So beautiful. Now a hawk has come around swooping and screeching around the trees where the birds had gathered, hunting them I suppose. But with no luck. One small flock of birds actually returned from their migratory flight and chased him off. Now he’s He back screeching and flapping. Don’t know what he’s up to.

 

Dave came by later, anxious about the election. Michael is far more optimistic.

 

Thursday November 5

Explosive horrible diarrhea this morning and horrible leaky diarrhea during the night. Wearing diapers again. Totally wiped out for most of the day. Revived a bit in the afternoon, continue reading Persuasion and streamed Sense and Sensibility. Why does Jane bring comfort after 200 years?

 

Forced myself to stay awake until ten listening and browsing election results, with Michael announcing every new batch of results from Georgia and Pennsylvania. 

 

So that's this day.

 

Friday November 6

Feeling a little better today but still in wash out mode.

 

While Jeanine and Michael are pouncing on election results I hobbled out to the swing where I’m sitting in this beautiful Indian summer weather. Difficult to walk, but must make the effort.

 

Took a nap. Watched Persuasion in the afternoon. Maybe I've had enough Jane for now. 

 

Had no appetite for dinner but heated up Kim’s orzo with extra tomatoes sauce and cheese for Michael. 

 

Willie called to report on his date with Shannon, the single mother. He went to Astoria to her apartment where he met her neighbor. He, Shannon and the baby went to a local bar and had a drink outside but she was distracted, worried about the child's father against whom she had a restraining order. They went back to the apartment where the neighbor joined them for Thai food. I appreciate her caution. When I was a single mother, II had a couple irresponsible blind dates and let a couple strangers into my house. In my defense, I had Harris on call for the second one, who came up after I phoned and hung out until the unfortunate date left. 

 

Sarah called but it was wearing to listen to the rants tonight. I was very tired but made myself stay up for ongoing presidential counts and intermittent Schitt's Creek. Election still not called. 

 

Geoff and Kim showed up at eleven. Talked briefly to them about kids and election and then went to bed.

October 24-30. Flu Shot, Ann and Stuart, First Big Snow

 Saturday October 24

Made vegan olive oil cake this morning, which I think will turn out ok.

 

Watched one of Gabe’s YouTube tutorials on machine learning using Michelin datasets.  Was able to get some kind of conceptual idea.

 

Took the kids to Le Gamin and talked about psilocybin, triggered by emails with Jill concerning her experience with it and Michael Palin’s book.  Gabriel has taken it four times and describes it as a deep spiritual experience, although preceded by visions of anything that terrified him. I don’t know if I’d have the nerve for it.  I’ll be tossed into the abyss soon enough. 

 

Stuffed butternut squash with sausage (chicken for us and vegan sausage for the kids) and made vegan maple walnut ice cream with oat milk-not bad).

 

Watched Babette’s Feast. My favorite movie of all time. It plays like a poem. Every viewing brings deeper meaning,

 

Sunday October 25

 Cold today. Picked Brussels sprouts and collards and sent some home with Gabriel and Ayesha. Really nice to have them here. 

 

Feeling depressed today after they left. Winter is coming.

 

Got our flu shots, which is a relief.

 

Watched next great British baking show episode. Cheery.

 

Reheated stuffed squash for dinner.

 

Monday October 26

Slept late and then processed and froze the collards, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts.

 

Pissy rain without much accumulation,

 

Worked on RK lists and made a meat loaf.

 

Reading a good Christopher Buckley book, The Relic Master.

 

Watched The Undoing, HBO series with Nicole Kidman and Hugh grant. Looks good. 

 

Up in the middle of the night with leg burning, sat/slept in the bathtub for three hours.

 

Tuesday October 26

Worked on RK appeal letter. Carole and David Draper dealing with her dying friend who believes he’s not dying, but they got him to the hospital last night after terrible chest pains that turned out to be a blood clot. 

 

Jim Dolan came by with pasta soup. Managed not to get me riled up with Fox-based Biden attacks. Michael parried most of them and then the conversation switched to easier topics - local Democrat gossip, his lawsuit against the Board of Election, his family, and his stress test. He is very kind to me and thoughtful in bringing food. He personifies the good and the irritating in upstate culture. 

 

I canceled lunch with Harris and Neville tomorrow because I’m so wiped. It’s the third week post chemo and I’m supposed to feel normal but not. Maybe flu shot response.

 

Have started a new series: Adyashanti’s Resurrecting Jesus. He’s a Zen Buddhist who has assimilated Christianity into his practice through the teachings of early mystics. I’ll be interested in how that works. Dozed off during the introduction so that’s not promising. Took a nap. 

 

Michael off to Greenport planning board meeting. 

 

Finished relic masters. Went to bed and had s long sleep.

 

Wednesday October 27

 

Slept till eleven. In town for money, meat, and Relish lunch. 

 

At Relish Dana told us of her concern about her business, which has gone from 200 to 60 covers a day. Landlord won’t cut the rent in spite of these lousy days for restaurants. Where will he get another tenant now?

 

Home to process green chili sauce and poach chicken for tacos tomorrow. Baked chicken breasts and Kim’s spinach and mushroom bread pudding for dinner. 

 

Had a Zoom call with Jill. She described her work and recent breakthroughs in her African American family history. Has identified her great great grandfather using Throughline, an ancestry.com app that links DNA with multiple family trees. She looks beautiful. Really nice call. I hope it didn’t make her depressed. 

 

Watched a bunch of Schitt's Creek.

 

Thursday October 29

 Rain today. Read Sense and Sensibility in the morning. Then watched Adyashanti’s next session on Resurrecting Jesus, during which he discussed myth and that we’ve lost its essence as a non-factual path to a spiritual or profound experience.  So far, I’m really appreciating exploration of the gospels. Although he’s a Buddhist, he observes that although every religion has as it’s basis the God-Man, Christianity is the only religion whose deity has actual humanity, who suffers as people do, and whose teachings are enlivened by human experience.  As I listened to him, I related these ideas to the idolatry of Trump, whose followers don’t care about facts. Trump has become mythic. He presents a god-like persona: infallible, powerful, paternal (although only to his followers).  He even returned from the Covid infection unscathed.  His lies are irrelevant because he is magic, and he bestows magical powers on his followers ("Don't bother wearing a mask").  Mythology itself, like money and energy, has a neutral power, and, like energy and money, can be used to produce destruction or creativity.  

 

Made chicken tacos for early dinner with Stuart and Ann. Talked home made food for cats and dogs, local real estate sales, politics, and Covid. Nice evening. Over early so Michael and I watched Rush, a movie about Formula 1 racing. 

 

Friday October 30

Snow today! Power and Internet are down, but thank goodness we have a generator. 

 

Worked on diary. Watched Jesus series and have a mixed response. 

 

Have major diarrhea. Maybe from hard cider that Stuart brought? 

 

Went out into garden to pick collards and kale. Temperature was forty and is supposed to go down to 20s this weekend. I wore finger mittens but still really cold picking. 

 

Picked Willie up at train and had rest of Kim’s vegetable soup and corn bread. Watched Hercule Poirot.