March 13-19. Ingrid Comes Back, Second Vaccination

Saturday March 13

Did Recovery Kitchen work.  Started to look into possible database for the spreadsheet. Started brisket in the slow cooker.

 

 Willie called. Still has some side effects from the second shot. He’s interested in getting a car. He’s been talking to Ingrid fairly frequently, but no information on whether she is still seeing the other guy.

 

Now I’m sitting in the car while Michael knocks on doors getting petitions for our Greenport Democrat Committee, supreme court judges, and county sheriff. Nice day for it. We’re in what passes for a suburban neighborhood in our town (about a dozen streets, with no actual urban to be sub of). Houses  built between the twenties and fifties. Bland and pleasant.

 

Brisket was good. Watched the last of West Wing. Sad to see it end,

 

Sunday March 14

Bad arthritis all night. I think the chemo reduced some of the pain. It’s been worse since I’ve been off it. 

 

Drove to Kingston to deposit checks for Geoff and stopped by Harris and Neville’s to see the progress on their studio. They both are now safely vaccinated but Zoe, Jonathan and Luke were coming by and insisting on everyone wearing masks. There’s nothing kind or compassionate about Zoe. She’s all about control. They showed up all masked and Michael and I waved and left. 

 

Sarah called on the drive home. She going to spend a long weekend driving to the Grand Canyon and meeting her friend Dorothy there. Glad she’s getting away. Sarah is getting her first shot next week. New Mexico has a great universal sign up system, which stores people’s information and eligibility and them notifies them when there’s availability. New Mexico is now number one in getting people vaccinated. Hurray Michelle!

 

Willie called.  Ingrid had texted him and said that she saw his post on Hinged, the dating site. Willie wasn’t sure what that meant. It certainly suggested that she was back on the dating apps again, but she didn’t mention that she wanted to see him or that she had stopped seeing the guy that she had been dating before. 

 

Meanwhile Shannon called (currently my favorites).  They talked for two hours, and Willie is seriously thinking of seeing if they can date. She knows about his Kartegener syndrome and still likes him. She asked why he couldn’t  just be a Catholic and let me tolerate it. She envisioned him praying and her kicking him while he was praying and that he would develop a Pavlovian response to praying. She sounds really funny. He’s going to see her Monday night and they and the neighbor are going to watch the last Bachelorette episode of the season. 

 

Spring forward today.  It’s 5:41 and still light out.  

 

Dave came over, his arm slung after his shoulder surgery last week. I was just editing my diary and I checked the entry for a year ago. He had just come back from his ankle replacement and wanted to do animal flow! 

 

Hot dogs and chili. Watched first two episodes of John Le Carre Night Manager. I miss West Wing.

 

Monday March 15

Had a nice bath meditation this morning. I called up every person close to me and each one had a “tone”, a resonance.  I went through family and friends and when I put the tones together, they had a choral sense to them.  It was really neat. 

 

Recovery Kitchen  reports this morning and then a zoom meeting with Carole and Pam on setting up more meetings!! 

 

Had our annual visiting nurse appointment. This year we were lucky to get a nurse practitioner who had been in a practice with her oncologist husband, so she was really knowledgeable and helpful. She said that oncology made her too sad so she went into family practice and is now working part time making home visits. She said she loves it and so does her daughter, who is nine.

 

Worked on RK survey and messaging this afternoon.  Full time job.

 

Willie called in the evening with good news for him and anxious news for me. He’s leasing  a car, some kind of Honda or Hyundai. He spent the evening watching the bachelorette with Shannon and her roommate. They seem very easy with each other and she is my choice, But I’m biased for single mothers.  The  Ingrid texted him and let him know that she’s no longer dating the other guy, so Willie is going to ask her out maybe this weekend.  

 

Watched the John Le Carre series.

 

Tuesday March 16

ending the morning sending letters to all the Recovery Kitchen Drivers over 60 of them offering a letter authorizing the Covid vaccine. New York guidance now lets people who deliver prepared meals to get vaccinated. Turns out to have been an easy and  gratifying chore, happy feedback from people now able to get their shots.

 

 Sneezing with runny nose and eyes. Wonder what I’m allergic to.

Went to Grazin' for lunch. Inside dining for first time in months. They have gotten rid of their booths, and now have tables they can spread out for social distancing. I can experience one again that specific pleasure of eavesdropping on nearby diners, in this case two men discussing food, notably one with the most restrictive diet I’ve heard of since  Dave Baylen’s “allergy sensitive” diet, which excludes wheat, dairy, sugar, and “nightshade vegetables. This guy was off gluten, sugar, dairy,  corn and soy. And they were more ingredients, but I missed the beginning. I was eating a hamburger with no roll and a salad. 

 

Vaccination tomorrow and two weeks later back into the world. Why am I depressed tonight then? Is it coming out of the womb? And into a world with a limited time span? And that time is filled with Recovery Kitchen tasks?  Although how would I fill my time. Editing this diary out streaming Scandinavian soaps? 

 

Roasting a chicken, sweet potatoes. and cauliflower. 

 

Watched end of Carre Spy thriller still miss the wit and comfort of the West Wing. 

 

Wednesday March 17

Worked all morning on RK. Wrote a submission for the Governor Cuomo newsletter, had a meeting Carole and Pam. Cheerier today for no reason. Went to Albany for the second shot in the big tent. Not as exciting as the first shot but gratifying.

 

Got home and made a soup with puréed sweet potatoes and carrot, yogurt, coconut milk and chicken stock. Smoked paprika all spice and green and red chili.  

 

Watched the wire. Advocated by every one of our kids except Jeremy. 

Willie called in the middle with update on his car buying progress. Won’t be able to talk to the local Honda dealer for a price so he’s looking to buy a car in Saratoga. 

 

Has a date with Ingrid on Sunday. He sounded very cheery.

 

Thursday March 18

 

Watched Roy Orbison: Black and White, amazing video where he plays and sings his greatest songs in a small concern venue in 1987 with a young and very sexy Springsteen, Costello, Tom Waits and Jackson Browne, with  k.d. Lang and Bonnie Raitt doing back-up, all of them looking really happy.  (I’m sure I see Eric Clapton there too.) My fantasy: singing back-up there with k.d. and Bonnie. 

 

Willie’s car purchase has fallen through  so far.  HIs bargaining didn’t work with a dealer win Queens, so he contacted one in Saratoga that had his car at a lower price, but it sold this morning. At least he still has his date on Sunday with Ingrid. 

Stopped working on RK and watched Seaside Hotel. 

 

Pam wrote a tight fisted email that she’s chair of the fundraising committee and everything should go through her. If I was young and not so hyped up with Zen and shempa I would be irate and insulted, I’d remind her that she has no computer skills at all, and that up to now I’ve done the bulk of the fundraising, and I’m a co-director and not her employee. But fortunately I’m looking at life from my new Buddhist perspective and I am so chill! On the other hand it’s very hard not to write what I’ve just written. Need more Pema.

 

Made curry for dinner,

No side effects so far.  In fact, I feel livelier and jollier than before the shot and I have no pain in my arm. I probably have no immune factors after my taking my beloved Pembro. 

 

Was speedy all night.  Decided to resign RK after I fix all the lists.

 

Friday March 19

Worked on endless RK lists, but was in better spirits today.

 

After much indecision, I brought my seeds to Dale Baker for planting. Fewer than last year.  Talked to Dale for a while, who made fun of Dave’s exorbitant British greenhouse, in which after five years, he’s finally going to plant his own seeds.  Dale said, “It’s about time.”  He’s not going to do the farmer’s markets again this year but will sell directly from his farm.  I said I wanted to buy his fruit last year but couldn’t pick.  He said he picks for his customers and he’ll put me on his list.  Cherries and peaches.  Great!  I was surprised to learn that Dale graduated from Cornell in ornamental horticulture.  He wanted his father to buy the corner where Eager’s farmstead is now, but he wouldn’t.  In 1972 it cost $38,000, which was a lot, of course, then but now worth well over a million and Dale would have had a nursery.  Instead, he’s worked that farm for 50 years.  He said he wasn’t unhappy about it in spite of two knee replacements and two hips that needed them.

 

Home to more lists and two Seaside binges. Picked food up from Oak.

 

Willie is going to buy a car from a dealer in White Plains.  Were going to drive down tomorrow and pick him up.

 

Got a long letter from Diane Keim, my old friend who married Geoff Ward.  I’m very happy were in touch again.  

 

March 6-12. Problematic CT Scan, Ingrid May Be Back

Saturday March 6

Did recovery work this morning. Processed stock and roasted tomato for sauce. Made a meat loaf sandwich and was reading the latest Caimh McConnell book from his comedy detective series. I suddenly started hallucinating changes in the way I accessed the book on my Kindle. I was able to talk coherently to Michael, observe Diana sitting in her box, be aware that I had to pull the tomatoes out of the oven, but also was experiencing jumble of images, as if my brain was a house with one blown fuse that caused a dream state in one room, while in the other I was aware and awake—existing in two realities at the same time. Very scary. Took a nap, which helped although I was distracted by Jim Dolan’s visit to work with Michael on the petitions we need for our Democrat committee. 

 

Cuomo getting attacked on all sides now, with three feeble accusations of sexual harassment and old staffers coming out of the woodwork to go after his bullying behavior, which they’ve been eager to do for years but were too afraid of him and are now able to add to the attacks politically protected behind the skirts of the me too movement. And then there’s the nursing home death count, which anyone who watched his pressers in the early days knew was problematic for him, but hey., everyone has forgotten how he managed to keep us calm during those chaotic days. They’re all now kicking him and hoping he’ll stay down. I hope he doesn’t.

 

Neville called later very upset. Zoe is angry with her for setting up the dinner for her brother and bullying Harris into holding it, jeopardizing their health. She’s worrying about the viral variants. I repeated my argument that they had very little risk and that Zoe should be angry with me. Not Neville. I was the bully. I talked to Harris and apologized for my belligerence but added that I still believed they had nothing to worry about. After I got off the phone I googled latest on the variants, which are indeed worrisome. But don’t think they’ll crash Neville’s dinner for her dying brother. It is all very difficult.

 

Willie called. He and Ingrid have texted links back and forth. She sent him a Sam Cooke video that she thought he’d like. Perhaps the other guy isn’t working out, although I still cheer for Shannon, the single mom 

 

Made parm from last year’s eggplant. Really good. 

Watched my new Danish series Seaside Hotel by myself. We watched west Wing together. 

 

Sunday March 7

Lazy sunny cold morning. Finished my latest Caimh McDonnell in his satisfying and imaginative black comedy detective series. He must write a book an hour. 

 

More RK work. Did some diary edits and made meat loaf sandwiches. Went to town to give petitions to Carrie for judges and committee members. Had Michael drop me off at the bottom of her drive so I could at least get some walking in. It’s very difficult but I need to step up. I was nagging Jeremy this morning about getting out and admitted I needed to nag myself. He later sent a video of a Portland downpour. It rains every damn day there! 

 

Watched some Seaside Hotel. Reheated eggplant and then we watched more West Wing. Was looking on the mirror in the bathroom while doing nighttime routine and suddenly realized that the self in the mirror has nothing to do with me and never had as long as I’ve been looking in mirrors. It’s not that I have a bad self-image. I have no self image. I don’t know what I look like. If I ran into myself on the street I’d assume I was a stranger. 

 

Monday March 8

Off to my gynecologist, Dr. Marici, the husband of Dr. Marici my primary doc. I wanted him to check and see if my lichen sclerosis is still there. He thought everything looked clear. On the way out I ran into Carole Clark, who was there for a possible UTI. Almost didn’t recognize her with the mask and sunglasses. But her gray curly hair is a giveaway. She had just emailed me asking if I would forge her signature on a letter that I had drafted to authorize vaccinations for our drivers. Sure.

 

Lots of calls for Cuomo to resign because of bullshit harassment accusations. Meanwhile a half dozen Republican governors want to pass legislation to forbid companies from mandating vaccinations. So we get rid of our Governor who kept us alive during the early months of the pandemic and these guys go on to kill more people. I almost feel like leaving the party. It’s so dysfunctional and its micro attacks on small trees are destroying the forest. 

 

Ann came by in early afternoon to pick up eggplants. She brought baked evil pastries for us. Hardly a fair exchange. She stayed for a while, talked about giving Eamon’s jeep to her niece Marianna, and the process of getting it to her from Cincinnati. “She wants me to fly out with her, but I don’t want to go there.” No reason why Ann should. She has friends there and Ted has paid help to get the jeep pried out of Ohio. 

 

Patty called with a relationship question. Jim just bought a sailboat in Canada, which he wants to sail this summer down the coast to Maine. Such a trip is his lifelong dream. Patty is gone most of the summer to horse shows anyway and she does support lifelong dreams. The issue is money. Jim doesn’t have any, with no fiddle making in this Covid world he’s been cashing out his retirement money. Meanwhile Patty’s business pays for their housing and utilities. They have a joint account for groceries but Jim buys the food and cooks and often uses his own. I was a bit confused over what the conflict was but it looks like it came down to inequities, Jim contributing food and Patty or her business everything else. And now he’s off on his dream trip. 

 

Patty and Dominique are still in Florida and won’t be back till end of March, when she’ll have only about eight weeks with Jim before the next round of horse shows and Jim’s sail starts. Of course, they should make that time pleasant and not develop resentment, but that advice is thrift shop cheap.

 

Ann called later and fretted again about her niece and her brother’s lawyer friend Sean, who she claims are involving themselves with the sale of Eamon’s house without talking to her about it. They don’t want to see Ann cheated but she doesn’t care and also doesn’t believe that she will be. What she really wants is not to deal with the house at all but their interference makes this unlikely. Everyone is well meaning but focusing their efforts of money and prolonging the sale is only prolonging the pain that this house brings with it. 

 

Made knockwurst and leftovers. Watched many west wings.

 

Tuesday March 9

Off at eleven to have pictures taken of Pam, Carole and me at the RK kitchen. Didi Barrett is taking them to Albany for some event honoring women who fight Covid. They were making paella for the daily meal, looked delicious although Jamie said he spilled a container of vegetables so not as much as he wanted. Chicken pieces were grilling on the stove. Looked like so much fun. Michael took our pictures masked. Then off to the meat automate for pork chops. The day is sunny and the temperatures have reached 50 so Michael and I walked to the pond and now I’m welcoming the nearly balmy day sitting on the swing for the first time since last fall. Spring is starting to uncurl but March and April still have tricks in the wind. I dreamed last night I was running along a dirt path. It felt wonderful. Then awake to the hobbling. 

 

Making pork chops in the sous vide. Dave called Michael by mistake on his way from Manhattan to Hudson after shoulder surgery today for severe rips in his rotator cuff. I hope Janet is driving. He’s addicted to extreme exercises (currently animal flow, an insane macho practice involving constant movement, torquing and stressing every muscle). He’s had more muscle and joint surgeries than anyone I know, which includes a recent ankle replacement. 

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Jim Dolan showed up while I was prepping dinner to bring petitions. I got him to veer away from Cuomo bashing, although the alternative wasn’t great. He repeated the reminiscences for about the fourth time of his peak experience of being a young police chief, when knew Mike Tyson’s manager and was flown to Los Vegas for a celebrity party, before his indictment and his life went downhill.

 

After Jim left we ate the pork chops, baked potatoes, and roasted Brussels sprouts with cherry tomatoes. We watched west wing

 

Wednesday March 10

Woke up early for my CT scan appointment. On my way to the bedroom after my bath I looked out the window to see a very large muscle of a bobcat ambling by the garden. The cat was very big, at least three feet long. I got a very brief video of him, disappearing into the brush. A few minutes later three deer wandered by the garden and immediately went into high alert and left. Did not dawdle.

 

Went to Albany for the scan. When I got home the report was already on the website. Liver tumors have increased slightly but is it enough so that I have to stop chemo? in any case, they haven’t regressed, which means that even if I continue it’s unlikely that they’ll disappear. None of this is surprising or unexpected, but reality always cheapens the imagination, even if the imagination envisions a limited time. I have not been expecting to live out the year, but the body and the mind shrink back from the abyss. I’ll continue to prepare of course, but right now I want to disappear into my Danish Seaside soap. Michael is out seeding the meadow. I asked him how he felt, that I have no idea how he’s feeling, and he said “afraid”. I’m preoccupied with how I can get out of doing these spreadsheets every hour until I collapse. 

 

Had a long meeting with Carole and women she had recruited to write a survey for the meal recipients.

 

Richard Snow emailed me that he had heard from Marla, my friend and babysitter who may or may not have been psychotic, is married to someone named Roy and has a house right across the river. He an adjunct professor at Long Island University and has some kind of cultish business. She changed her name from Marla Collins to Marla Del Collins. I told Richard he could give her my email address and she got in touch with me. What now. 

 

Ordered from Wunderbar. Couldn’t eat much. Am filled with sadness and longing. It’s as if I’m in love with an unattainable, which is of course my life.

 

Thursday March 11

All I seem to be having these days are long RK Zoom meetings. This morning it was with John Javna, an emigrant to Hudson from Oregon, who started an organization that picks up food from volunteers and delivers to food banks using an ingenious system and network of drivers and donors that he’s been able to scale for other communities. It’s different from what we do, but there’s a lot of common issues. Yesterday’s gloom has passed. 

 

Had a late meeting with Ellen, our newly recruited social media person and general publicist. Like her a lot. She lost her husband to cancer six years ago when her kids were still in middle and high school. Smart and sympathetic. She reports on our new fundraising committee run by a woman named Wickham Boyle with a hefty NYC resume (ran la Mama) and a claim: ”I don’t play well In the sandbox and I’m not good with others.” She’s around seventy, heavy, and looking to be yet another big frog up here in the pond. Her first email leaked floral

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Weather is in the high sixties and I went out on the swing. Everything is happy today. One of our two regular red-tailed hawks was scouting the meadow for an early dinner. The pine trees were waltzing to a ragtime breeze. A fly optimistically buzzed me. Spring is teasing. I’ll take it. 

 

Heated leftovers stuffed squash and binged seaside and west wing.

 

Friday March 12

Had a recovery kitchen meeting with Carol and Pam and the woman who owns a farm out in Taconic with her husband. They recently moved to Columbia County. She was in tech and he’s an investor. The farm is hundreds of acres but they don’t want to grow anything themselves. The idea is to set up an enterprise collectively owned by farmers growing vegetables in container cars, which would allow them to produce food that ordinarily would require a California climate. A solar array would generate all the electricity. 

 

Talked Dr. Luyun today about the CT results and that there was some progression so an indication that there was some resistance to the current chemo regime. However, no new tumors popped up, so he wanted me to switch to a 5-FU and a platinum-based regimen. I told him I just couldn’t got back on the 5-FU because of the hideous side effects during the initial treatments, particularly mouth sores and despairing-making toxic change in taste. He said I would be taking Xeloda, the oral version and the dosage could be modified so that the side effects weren’t as bad. He added that he believed that the oral side effect from the first time were due to the mytomycin, the other initial horrible drug. I told him about some studies indicating that radiotherapy might be an option for liver metastasis when there were fewer than five tumors and they were small I have an appointment with Dr. Savage, my wonderful radio therapist, in a couple weeks so Luyun said that if Savage wanted to try radiotherapy then I do that first. If he didn’t, I’d go on the 5-FU. So that’s what’s happening. As I he walked out the door, he said he didn’t want me to give up treatment. Which I thought was nice of him.

 

Jeremy called and described having a panic attack a few days after he had his second Moderna shot.

 

I made a Greek chicken and lemon dish and then we watched west wing. 

February 27-March 5. Eamon’s Mass and Brunch

 Saturday February 27

Produced RK reports and then made the very evil NY Times scrambled egg recipe, which cooks in an artery clogging stick of butter.

 

Lackluster rain day, although with earth rediscovered, so that’s good.

 

Mostly did diary editing and watched more Pema. Made a faux Spanish chicken dish, which turned out well. We watched more John Wilson documentaries and a couple west wings. 

 

Sunday February 28

The mass this morning had a blessing for Eamon, and Liz was holding a brunch afterward. So we all went to it, even Michael. Ann’s brother Eddie, his wife Joanna, and daughter Marianna, Richard W, and Dave and Janet were in church. The homily was interesting, with Father Anthony analyzing Raphael’s painting of the transfiguration. Later we checked the painting in Wikipedia, which had an interpretation that was an entirely different from the priest’s. The interpretations I read later focused on the either the conflicting or complementary top and bottom. But I only read one that addressed the female figure that dominates the bottom of the painting. No one seems to care you who is but she I definitely the elephant in the painting.

 

 Liz and Geoff’s brunch afterward was a little Covid scary. No masks. No social distancing I sat next to Janet, not because we are great chums, but because there were only two chairs to support our mutual leg and hip disabilities, and they were set up next to each. 

 

I talked to Ann’s brother, Eddie, who is a detective in Mt. Vernon and looks like a movie star. Ate too much. A good event for Ann, surrounded by her friends and family. She was given a bunch of money from Eamon’s estate and is getting pulled into the legal aspects of deal with it, which she even admits is intended to distract her, and not because she’s interested in any of the estate. 

 

 Liz had called the day before and asked where she could get clementines for the brunch. I told her I had gotten three bags from Hannaford. She said, "Great." I asked how many she needed. And she said, "Can I have one?" I thought she meant one orange, which was a little weird, but figured maybe she cooking with it. So, I generously brought four, which she put on a plate and set on the table. I found out later that she had meant one bag, not one clementine, and that she had wanted to serve them piled in bowl because the table lacked color. I am neurotically stingy with food.

 

Dropped Willie off at the train, and I took a nap. Then put together a rice pudding, which may or may not work. 

 

Had leftovers for dinner and watched Wanda and West Wing.

 

Monday March 1

Worked all morning on RK reports. Still lots of fixes to make. 

 

Watched the last Pema session. It’s been very worthwhile. Working toward a practice that I can rely on because of its mutability, making the effort of surprising oneself. 

This is what’s called a productive day. Made braised cabbage, mashed potatoes and chicken sausage. Made enough cabbage for Harris and Neville’s visit on Wednesday. 

 

Watched the Alienist. Maybe too dark. Then West Wing, 

 

Tuesday March 2

Wrote an email to our local public radio morning political panel, but they didn’t read it! So here it is;

 

Cuomo kept me and many others sane for months with his daily Covid pressers. He is about to lose a career that has by and large served the public good because of three casual exchanges. As with the ruinous and unjustified attack on Al Franken one must ask the question: where is the damage? Where is the trauma resulting to these women?

 

 The frivolous and foolish acts of these men are now dumped into the bag of zero tolerance, a term I first heard when Michael Atkin was stationed during Viet Nam at the Air Force Base in Grand Forks, this was stamped on every piece of mail that. At the time I referred to zero tolerance of errors that caused plane crashes. Gillibrand has revived it to mean intolerance of any male behavior that has the whiff of insensitive. It reflects our cultural failure of balance, of empathy, nuance, and worst, a failure of humanity.

 

Made two apple cakes, one for Harris and Neville’s visit tomorrow another for Liz and Geoff’s dinner tonight, which included Spencer Harper, an old friend of theirs. I met him at Geoff’s studio at Liz’ New Year’s Party a couple weeks after Richard S and I had our final separation. I felt out-of-body and broken. Spenser, an eccentric lawyer from an old Kentucky family, started flirting with me in a gay, funny ironic way—certainly not sexual of course—but not snarky. He was attentive and complimentary. He restored the hope that I would be ok eventually. So it’s always a pleasure to seem. He has a square shape and a wide face heavy with jowls, but eyes are beautiful and they light up has great sneaky smile. Liz told me he has been HIV positive for many years, but living with it successfully. 

 

 

 Spenser had made gumbo and he told stories about his Southern childhood, almost a cliche of servants and nannies, and Geoff gossiped about performers at Carnegie Hall in the eighties. It was fun.

 

Wednesday March 3

I talked to Willie this morning about his new unsatisfying haircut (was a bit odd) that he got from a barber across the street from his Bronx apartment.

 

 Jeremy called reporting on an odd conversation with his housekeeping co-workers, which he interpreted as losing a day’s work a week. He must have got it wrong. He was also having some trouble hooking up the George Forman grill. It will give him an excuse to FaceTime his father, who can lead him through the hook up. 

 

Spent the morning getting ready for two RK Zoom meetings this afternoon. Food for dinner has all been prepared, so not much to do on the H&N front. During one of the Zoom meetings, Carole was dealing with a double snake invasion of her house. She was taking it very calmly. Some of us on the call were not. 

 

Nice evening with H&N as always. Food was good. Michael and they drank too much wine and smoked too much dope ,so I was the only one that stayed awake through Nomadsland. Good movie. 

 

Thursday March 4

RK all day. Wrestled with a new report then had a two-hour meeting with Carole and Pam, who are gathering potential members for a board, once we are an official non-profit organization. They are looking people with money, professional experience with non-profits, and super volunteers. One of the possible candidates in the latter category wrote our latest appeal letter, very florid and excitable. Carole found a photograph to go with it, a mawkish image of a much too pretty child of indeterminate ethnicity holding a cardboard sign that reads “I am hungry”. 

 

Carole suggested that once we establish a board, that we three get rid of the nitty gritty work that we currently do and each come up with some strategic role that we think can add value. Unfortunately, I like the nitty gritty and, in my experience in any organization, those who play the strategic role always end up being useless. 

 

And I am facing the inevitable end of my work with them, in fact with everyone, which is suddenly making me fearful and sad. Luyun hasn’t scheduled my scan, which is very late. I think he’s given up on me.

 

Went to town to pick up pizza from Oak. Watched West Wing.

 

I saw myself in the medicine door mirror and I’m unrecognizable: old saggy and hairless.

 

Friday March 5

More RK work. Sent out the mailing with the creepy child holding the creepy sign. I think we’re making too many appeals. We have enough money to last a year. And who knows if we’re even needed after things open up. 

 

Took a brief hobble up the driveway. Very cold and windy but the walking went ok.

While making roast beef sandwiches with very, very hot horseradish I remembered logged on and began eating my sandwich trying to talk through the tears and runny nose. Smart women. Ellen Miller, one of them, will do our social media. Very likeable.

 

Went over to Dave’s for wine at six. Janet wasn’t there, of course. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in their house. I was greeted by two excellent young calico cats, who had replaced the previous late calico cats and whom I’ve seen only a couple times. Dave and Janet have distributed bulb-birthed flowers throughout the living room: daffodils, hyacinths, and muscari (a delicate and gorgeous miniature hyacinth) Each pot was thoughtfully placed on the mantle, in front of a mirror, or on the window sill. The fireplace was splashing warmth and light. Their place is so beautiful, with a comforting and unpretentious aesthetic. Stayed for about an hour. It was both pleasant and sad. On the way back to our home, I told Michael that Janet was in fact a superior human, beautiful, smart, charming, talented. “She’s better than I am. I can’t help it. She’s the mean girl, and I want her to like me.” On the other hand, I have the children she couldn’t have. I certainly would never have traded lives. And it’s probably why she doesn’t like me.

 

Neville called upset. She wanted to have a birthday dinner for her brother. Who is dying from muscular dystrophy, and he would be bringing his teenage daughter, whose Covid behavior is reckless. Harris wants to put it off until they can eat outside. Neville wants to hold the dinner and are fighting, or whatever they do when they are in conflict. He and Neville are now two weeks from their second shot, and I confidently and belligerently supported Neville with the fuzzy evidence that they had little risk of being infected. 

 

I made a decent meatloaf and pureed leftover mashed potatoes and H&J’s butternut squash. Good dinner. Watched the last Wanda and more West Wing.