Saturday February 13
I’m being a good compliant girl. Taking my meds and feeling fine. Worked all morning on my first report for meal deliveries for the Recovery Kitchen while half listening to the impeachment trial. Senate failed to impeach. No surprise but it’s so disheartening and not a little terrifying.
Made sausage, apples, potatoes, carrots, fennel, onion or sheet pan roasted for dinner. Turned out fine. We watched two Mandalorians and a West Wing.
Sunday February 14
It’s Valentine’s Day.
My eyes were irritated, red and watery, and I had trouble sharing files with my fellow Recovery Kitchen spreadsheet manager. This has been happening too often lately. I can’t work on computer screen, so I’m dictating this into my phone.
Willie‘s charming and eccentric friend Henry Grimm is coming over for dinner this afternoon. Willie has known Henry since high school, and he teaches history in a super liberal public school. He and his father have a second home in Massachusetts, only about an hour away.
Dinner is going to be a very strange mix. Both the Recovery Kitchen and the Hudson Library are have food basket fundraisers tonight. Since I’m a RK founder and Michael is on the Library board, we have bought baskets from both. The Library basket has antipasti and chocolate and the Recovery Kitchen basket has a high-end dinner that feeds two. Together, there’s still not enough food for four people who include two young men who over six two. So Henry is bringing ingredients for what he calls his Grimm burger, has Worcestershire and peanut butter in it. He insists that it’s great. I’m not optimistic.
Had a great long talk with Ginny. She has three functioning nuns in her convent, all 65 and older, and the youngest one has had three carpal tunnel surgeries. Ginny thinks she’s a bit of a hypochondriac. We talked about our different approaches to food. I like a big table full of food and overbuy and make too much (Michael refers to my dinners as mass quantities). Ginny is frugal from years in a marriage of two artist; she is indifferent to food other than function, and produces one of four basic meals, when she cooks for her sisters. I’ve been worried about her exposure to covid given her work with homeless and vulnerable, so I was delighted to hear that she got vaccinated. Really nice talk.
My eyes were bothering me all afternoon, red, hurting, and watering. Took an antihistamine but it didn’t do much. I’m practicing dissociating emotion from physical discomfort, which does help reduce the pain. Once stop saying to yourself, “Oh, my God. This pain is awful. Why is it happening to me?” you only experience the specific areas of pain or discomfort in your body, which is generally not severe. But it was very hard not to be able to open my eyes.
Henry arrived and we sat around talking. Michael and I went off to pick up the Recovery Kitchen basket, and when we came back the Library had dropped theirs off. We put the food out a little dishes and Henry made his Grimm burger which turned out to be great. The peanut butter was an amazing addition. \
The boys watched Heat but my eyes were hurting so much I went to bed.
Monday February 15
Eyes still watery and irritated and worse when I had to use the computer, which I did because I had to get out meal reports. I made eggs for breakfast but it was difficult.
Had a phone meeting at twelve thirty with the Carole and Pam, the other two RK founders, and a well-meaning woman who’s helping us strategize with obvious and earnest generalizations. Pam and Carole seemed enthusiastic but my eyes were hurting so much, that I lay down and dozed off, waking up when I heard my name and responding, “I’m away from my spreadsheets right now but I’ll check it out later.”
Michael and Willie went to the drugstore and got me antihistamine eye drops, which really helped. I was being so smug about my lack of chemo side effects, and then I went blind. Hubris.
I had planned a birthday dinner for Michael with Liz and Geoff and Ann. I considered canceling because of my eyes and an impending storm, but it wasn’t predicted to get heavy until late so I didn’t. Was able to get out a report for RK and then made polenta, roasted the beast, and vegetables. Liz and Geoff and arrived. Liz said that she had run into Ann who said she didn’t know anything about dinner. Tried to reach her twice but she didn’t called back. Ann finally texted an apology. It may be tough for her to see Willie, who was close to Eamon’s age.
Dinner was good and as always great to be with Liz and Geoff. Always lively and fun. Nice birthday for Michael I think.
Tuesday February 16
Woke up to gleaming trees in an icy universe. Fortunately no power outages. An email from Jill reported snow in New Mexico, Livy depressed and missing her friends. Willie also needy and depressed. February wretched as always, with covid isolation intensifying its desolation. Not only for humans, the miserable the turkeys and deer trudge achingly slowly through our snow and ice packed meadow pecking at any dismal earth showing through. And March still to go, which is without holidays or joy.
Eyes much better and I was able to finish RK reports.
Willie and I watched last two Mandalorian episodes and started a new Scrabble game before he went back to the city this afternoon.
Jeremy getting his second jab on the 22nd. Yay!
Had a nice Zoom conversation with peter and Susan brown, during which we talked pond skating, vaccines, kids, and rural life. They still have their rent-controlled apartment on the West Side but have mostly been upstate during quarantine.
I put together a vegetable beef soup and watched a Top Chef repeat while Michael Zoomed a Town Chair meeting, which went on longer than it needed because of the love all Democrats have of their own sound. Watched West Wing.
Wednesday February 17
Watched a Pema workshop this morning, who is offering good guidance for me right now. When Henry was here we talked about fear of death. I described how meditation and being with Cindy when she died has helped rid this fear, which I’ve had since I was a child. Of course, there’s no telling how severe the progression of the cancer will be or how my emotions will respond when death is actually imminent. All I can do to prepare is to try and be in the present as much as possible.
Inspired by our conversation with Peter and Susan, I called Jonathan today. He sounded good. They are hunkering down in Manhattan but drive up to their second home in Phoenicia every couple weeks. Their vaccinations aren’t scheduled until April and they made the appointment in Syracuse—a three hour drive from Phoenicia and four and a half from the City. Not sure why they did that, although Jonathan was pretty helpless on a practical level during my years working for him (ergo my various promotions) and Madeline is a bit loony.
Unfortunately, she’s also a fully-baked narcissist, and totally monopolized the conversation for about an hour. I would occasionally interrupt to ask Jonathan a question about himself. He'd start to talk and she'd trample right over him. She was like that when they came to visit as well. Her brain is riddled with minutiae that she is eager to share on hundreds of topics revolving around herself, including genealogy, current courses in Feng Shue, Face reading, African American History (she had a slave holder ancestor), Chinese astrology (she's a tiger), the I Ching (which she can interpret without coins), the Democratic party (worked like crazy for Georgia), and Bill Barr (with whom she shared elementary school). I managed to eke out a little news about Jonathan's daughters (interrupted and elaborated on by Madeline) and a scientific association he's on with some former Sci Ams (Rob Gregory and someone else whom I didn't know). He also said he is in an American History group at the Harvard Club, reading its way through our past. I hope there's some way I can talk to him without her involvement, but because of his eyesight and also partial deafness, he seems to be dependent on her for answering phones, reading emails, and communications with the outside world. Soooo tiresome.
I also talked to Tommy Burns, who is in the middle of another war with his mother. Jim made Wendy the beneficiary of his IRA, which proved to be substantial (I think about 500k). Tommy was ranting about how he had gotten along with Jim, and Wendy only got the money because she went to Jim’s wedding and no one else did. (Jim’s choice of Wendy totally made sense. She’s the oldest and sanest in the family, will do what’s fair.) Lee had defended Jim’s decision to Tommy, which made him furious with his mother, and they were hurling e-cruelties at each other, as they did in their past. I made feeble noises about death evoking pain that could turn into anger and that he should let things chill with Lee for a couple of months.
Anyway, my two calls today to spread compassion into the world were total busts. (In her session this morning, Pema talked about being the “person on a sinking boat who calms everyone else down.” I’m the person on the sinking boat who after a few ineffectual “calm downs” looks for any food that might have dropped among my panicking mates. But, as Pema advised, if you can’t be the calm person on the boat at least do no harm. And I did like hearing about Jonathan even if it was the little bit that I could get from him.
Thursday February 18
Snow again today, and weather is still crazy all over the country. Emailing and doing minor computer tasks this morning.
Talked to Ann for a bit. She wants to collect Eamon’s personal stuff from the haunted house, but I hope she gets one of her friends out there to do this for her.
Watched a Zoom event called Neighbor to Neighbor, with three panels on Food, Physical Health, and Mental Health. Carole Clark ran the one on food, so I attended it. Although I didn’t have expectations that anything useful could come out of a panel discussion, it connected different groups with similar goals to the RK, who might help fill in certain gaps in our service. A couple-- older man and a young woman (father/daughter? Husband/wife? two volunteers—run a Lasagna Love, a local group that is part of national organization, in which people cook casseroles and deliver them to people in need. They have the cools but not the recipients. One possibility is that the deliver to some of our recipients on Monday, when we don’t.
The essential challenge for any group who wants to reach the poor in these rural areas is the lack of community. Scattered homes, fragmented social groups, addiction. We use social media to try and reach those that aren’t referred to us by social services, and schools and other agencies. However, broadband access is limited at best in the countryside and people who live there tend to have very few computer skills other than smart phones, if they can afford them.
Sauteed chicken in peanut butter and sesame oil and served with soba. Turned out pretty good, but was too rich and I couldn’t each much. Lots of arthritis last night keeping me waking up, not helped by this continuously damp cold weather.
Friday February 19
Updated the RK spreadsheet for the week. I’m pleased with how it works.
Lee called this morning and talked about Tommy. The two of them drag up old grievances and obsess on the other. She was surprised to learn that Tommy knew the IRA amount that Jimmy had left Wendy (about 500K) and that he had told me. The focus on the money and the anger it generates from Tommy’s resentment and Lee’s defense of Jimmy’s decision to give it Wendy are obvious distractions from grief. None of us are good at it.
Still snowing, snow on snow in the bleak with midwinter. Nevertheless, even though this winter’s production may be excessive, it’s so beautiful coming down. (Although I hate to see the turkeys hobbling through it.)
Made green chili relleno Yorkshire pudding. Very happy with it. Cheered up the day.
Watched West Wing.
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