Saturday September 12
Diane lay on my legs at 2:00 AM while I meditated. Hope this isn't a trend. She was very relaxed. I wasn’t. Lots of internal agitation with only a few seconds of clarity. I feel meditation urgency. I want a mind in which pain is background noise and, at the end, includes some form of faith. There isn’t much time.
Started a chicken stock this morning.
Talked to Jeremy, who is OK but Portland news is worrisome. Fires are about an hour from the city. I asked him if he had talked to his mother but he hasn’t. Gads. I wasn’t super mom but she’s bizarre She doesn't seem to contact her kids unless there's something specific she can control, like doctor appointments. Of course its possible she calls Jeremy and he rejects her. Always possible.
Watched the CCDC virtual fundraising brunch, starring Julianna Margulies and Anthony Delgado, who is inspiring and helps sustain a belief in this country’s political system.
Made lemon frozen 10% yogurt with condensed milk, really good and easy. Want to have it on hand in case chemo gets to tough.
Spent the rest of the afternoon picking and processing chilies for sauce. Made beef tacos for dinner.
Watched Parks and Recs.
Sunday September 13
Picked existing tomatoes, a couple long Big Jim’s and some beans. Prepared them for processing.
Invited the Group for dinner this week for chili relleno and gazpacho. Not sure when I will cook again after next week.
Watched Bishop Barron’s first lecture on the mass. I have a critical urgency to experience grace, which I’ve been searching for since I was a child, so probably not much chance of it now. I want an enduring faith that will subsist below the pain or lack of it and won't shuttle back and forth with unexpected appearances, but I think one needs to some organized structure for that.
This year has been a gift. Now I’m afraid.
Bought a Zoom Omega workshop with Pema Chodron. It was live this weekend and just finished. I started streaming it, but had to pause to cook my cranberry beans.
I went out and walked around the pond, where I startled gray heron on the dock, who flew toward the other end and settled into some reeds where I couldn't see her. I walked In that direction, expecting to flush her out, she didn't appear and I couldn't see her through the stalks. I'm assuming a nest is there, ergo the "she". Herons have a mystical association. The morning after Donny's funeral in Burlington we drove to his favorite trout stream to spill his ashes. It was beautiful and dreamy, with mists drifting off Lake Champlain and layering the fields. Perched in the middle of one was a gray heron, still and graceful against the fog. I have always associated herons with Donny. It's wonderful to have one in our pond.
Willie called on Face Time from the temporary apartment his other parents are renting while their real place is being renovated. I talked to Richard who seemed very cheerful but probably isn’t. Will starts teaching tomorrow in person. Eek.
Baked chicken breasts and made succotash with the very tasty cranberry beans. Why do Lima beans exist at all when there are so many better alternatives.
Watched Parks and Recs.
Monday September 14
Read Thomas Merton in the tub. Still find him too self conscious and chilly, but he keeps my mind grounded while looking at various spiritual paths.
Worked on Recovery Kitchen picnic invitation in the morning.
Watched first Pema session. I like her humor and hesitancy when she's thinking through concepts and answering questions. The theme is Embracing the Unknown, certainly relevant.
Talked to Jeremy to be sure he’d ok in Portland’s small hell. Jill wrote and Harrison is coming to ABQ. When he left ashes from the California wildfires covered his car. I wish everyone would move East.
Went to dump and then to the new Meisner farm stand, which had everything I’ll need for dinner tomorrow.
Walked around the pond and spotted some jolly blue asters.
Made turkey burgers for dinner, which Michael grilled but they were a little pink inside. Was a bit paranoid when I went to bed.
Watched new season of Umbrella Academy.
Tuesday September 15
Picked the garden this morning. It’s getting cold and I want to process as many herbs and vegetables as possible.
Prepared tonight’s dinner with Liz, Geoff, Ann, and Richard. Gazpacho, chili rellenos, cranberry beans and lemon, Bronz Torch tomatoes with basil, chive flowers, and mozzarella, cheese and crackers, baba ganush, and lemon ice cream. Total vegetarian dinner, with most of it from the garden. Went to Cascade for lunch and ate inside. It almost felt normal.
Watched some of the Pema workshop, which featured a meditation by her associate Tim Olmsted. He makes me sleepy.
Dinner was fun. It was so good have friends over and hear all their stories. Not sure when it will happen again.
Wednesday September 16
Spent the morning finishing up the Recovery Kitchen Evite
I emailed back and forth with my cousin Larry, who is the only Trump supporter actually know. He had sent out a list of our Leader's so-called accomplishments, that he had copied and pasted from one of his right-wing sources. .It’s so difficult to understand how a person who is loving and compassionate can support this person and be convinces that universal healthcare is a threat to our democracy. It all makes me sad.
Watched more of the Pema seminar, which is on dealing with uncertainty. It's very helpful. I had described to Michael my sense of urgency in substantiating a faith in an underlying goodness. Pema’s advice would be to get out of my own way. Easier said than done.
Sat on the tractor scoot and pulled up some of the weeds choking out my herbs. They are overwhelming.
Made sausage, broccoli, artichoke, and lemon pasta. Love the broccoli from garden. It's an Italian hybrid that sends up little florets throughout the season, even after a frost. It's like deadheading flowers. You pick them off and others grow back.
Watched Umbrella Academy while Michael dozed.
Thursday September 17
Posted the Recovery Kitchen picnic invitation on Facebook, which I had set up on Eventbrite, a good website for this purpose. Engaged in many confused emails from Carole and Pam on how all of this would work.
Watched more of the Omega seminar.
Attended a Chemo class at St. Peters with four other people. I was resentful and arrogant when I came in. Having been through chemo before I believed I knew everything about it. The class turned out to be useful, however, with some new information on dealing with side effects. I also made what I thought was an important contribution by plugging the Bolthouse protein drinks and attacking the use of Ensure. I’m dreading chemo, though, anticipating taste changes and aching bone pain front the Neulasta.
I talked to Dr. Luyun afterward about the process, which has a maximum of six cycles because of the risk for an allergic reaction to carboplatin. I was so sad on having to give up immunotherapy. He reminded me before immunotherapy was available, the carbo-taxol regimen would have been the only option after metastasis, and it could give me a year if it works.
Willie Face Timed and I guided him through an easy cook of sautéed cut up chicken and jarred tomato sauce. The hybrid teaching his doing at school is a mess, with dual live and virtual classes. He has a date Saturday with a southeast Asian woman.
Michael and were planning on going out but it got too, so I made a soup with all my leftovers—sausage, succotash, kale, chicken stock--and added reconstituted mushrooms. Wholesome.
Cheered up and watched a very old rerun of Colombo.
Friday September 18
Wrestled with Recovery Kitchen picnic emails and we finally sent them out to a hodge podge of lists from several sources.
Took the baby electric mower out and pushed it around the herb and flower gardens in a futile attempt at order, but I enjoyed the effort and some semblance of a path now meanders around them.
Jeanine was here today and between room cleaning we despaired over Trump.
Michael was at the library all afternoon fixing computers, so I watched the Omega workshop and did some meditating. Then I walked around the pond playing Barber's Adagio on my IPhone, startling the gray heron out of the reeds at the end of the pond. She must have a nest there.
When I went back to the house I started reading Dorothy Day's writings, whose Catholic faith is so substantive that I feel I can hang off it with my light fingered Buddhist tendencies and it will provide ballast.
My cousin Gretchen called and, though she asked for the 100th time where Hudson was, we had a pretty coherent conversation about the weather, her granddaughter Alex, and possibilities for a visit (actually slim to none).
Reheated eggplant for dinner.
Geoff called and recommended a documentary, My Octopus Teacher. I told him I’d watch it if he would watch the David Boehme documentary. Then I heard that Ruth Ginsberg died and I didn't want to see a sad film about an octopus. But I did, and it was beautiful and probably the way to end this day but everything right now is sad.
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