February 6-12. Cousin David’s Death, Snow, Spreadsheets

 Saturday February 6

My cousin David died. He was eccentric from childhood but always seemed to be cheerful. The Baby Boomer cousin dominos start toppling, and I’m sorry to see us all go.

 

Have been doing Recovery Kitchen work all day putting together a spreadsheet that includes permanent and substitute drivers and meal recipients with their number of meals and the routes and referral agencies. Concerned about whether all these pieces will work in Excel. It’s monstrous.  

 

Watched a Pema session for the second time on reframing your kleshas, or changing the way you react to negative thoughts and emotions.  

 

Actually, feeling good so far; proton pump inhibitor is working to stop acidic vomiting.

 

Had frozen lasagna for dinner and watched Agents and West Wing after playing iPhone scrabble with Michael. 

 

Sunday February 7

Diana has a new morning habit of lying on my legs and she is very heavy! 

 

More snow today. Six turkeys in the front yard puffed up against the cold and picking at anything in nutritive in the one exposed row of meadow that Michael had cleared to the compost heap. Suddenly they go still and silent, forming a circle and staring out from the center in all directions. No predator.  Eventually they return to scratching out their very bad keto diet. Poor things.

 

Heated up Dave and Janet’s chicken soup that they had brought over a week or so ago. Really restorative. Janet in town for a hip transplant.

 

Worked all day on the spreadsheets, anticipating frustration for the others who need them. Pam emailed that Dawn has a spreadsheet for her volunteers and was confident that we could use that. I’ve been inputting driver and meal information for days from an Augean stable of sources, including from Pam’s loose-leaf binder, on which she has painstakingly penciled ruled lines on white paper and handwritten all the driver information. I don’t think she understands that starting from scratch with Dawn’s spreadsheet will not be a time saver. Did shempa meditation to forestall irritation. Pema says to embrace my negative thoughts and let them plant a seed of virtue. Ah well,

 

Reheated posole frozen from Christmas. Added lime and cilantro and it was really good. The soups I’ve been eating are incredibly restorative. Aging makes them better. My chemo side effects so far have hardly been noticeable. I’m thanking the proton pump inhibitor but it may also be the soups!

 

Watched a New Leaf, a 1970 movie with Walter Matthau and Elaine May. Jill had recommended it. An adorable movie.

 

Monday February 8

Woke up and finished a draft of the spreadsheet and sent it off to Dawn, who will be dealing with drivers, and Pam, who doesn’t own a computer and does everything requiring electronic computing on her iPhone. She had typed a list of substitute and permanent drivers in no particular order into email.  I copied it into Word and sorted it to make it useable, then copied it back into email and sent it over to her. She asked how she could edit it. Knowing she didn’t have word, I said she could copy it into a text file but she doesn’t have a program. She edits everything with email. I suggested she paste it into Notes, but she said she didn’t have time. Sigh 

 

I put on my snowshoes, or rather Michael did them for me, and clomped up and down the driveway for ten minutes. Felt triumphant! Michael is always doing things for me that I can’t do--taking things off shelves, bending over to pick up or clean up food or objects that I’ve dropped, cleaning up after me, putting on my snowshoes. And he does these things with automatic grace and patience. 

 

Talked to Ann for a bit. She doesn’t get out of her pajamas and sleeps a lot with her cat Edie. Her friends and family hound her with calls. She said, “I wake up in the morning and suddenly go ‘Ah’ with the pain. I never thought anything like this would happen to me.” This being the terrible and sudden hole in the universe when a single 30 second encounter replaces a comforting banal life with intense immediate suffering. Death is always shocking, which is existentially peculiar, because it’s always been inevitable since the beginning of Life Form, and you’d think after a million years of homo sapiens head scratching and making grunting sounds to each other that we’d have a common method for dealing with death and grief.  Why wasn’t this like inventing the wheel. One guy made it with a rock and then eventually we all had cars.  Where was the shaman or hairy spiritual genius equivalent who lost his mother and developed a method that everyone could copy for recovering from the loss with only short-term pain and a way handling death fear? 

 

Drove with Michael to dump and town to mail letter. Home to work and then got very sleepy. Nap time with Diana. 

 

Made meat sauce for spaghetti and watched the last Call My Agent (sad to see such a good series end) and continued with West Wing, in which the Democrats seem to cave on principles in every episode, as they do in real life. Reading Obama’s book is reassuring in what he could get done against opposition when he had the majority. Of course, without legislation to codify the changes, Trump has reversed so many of his good executive directives, so it’s like watching some national cuckoo clock in which Hansel and Gretel switch places with the Witch every two years.  

 

I’m doing two online Scrabble games with Willie and Michael. Terrible letters

 

Tuesday February 9

Snow again. They are predicting 9 out of 14 days of snow coming up. What a joy this would be if I could ski again. 

 

Off to the spreadsheets.  Had a run in with Pam on email over the division of duties, so I called her. “What’s happening?  She was just trying to save me work she said. We’ll work it out at a Zoom meeting. She is a good soul with a sour email voice. Later asked Michael. “Do you think I’m aggressive?” which made him laugh.  “Yes.” I never think of myself as being aggressive, although I do get intense and perhaps loud at times. 

 

I did a Pema session, which made me sleepy. Willie called in the middle to revive our Scrabble game, which lasted throughout the afternoon while I also watched impeachment trial. They threaded videos of the Capital attack onto a time line, which was devastating.  

 

Roasting a chicken and vegetables tonight. Waiting for it to finish cooking.

 

 I lost a brutal scrabble game to Michael. 

Watched new episodes of Last Tango in Halifax and, of course, a West Wing.

 

Wednesday February 10

Will be going to Albany for a new battery in the BMW.  Meanwhile watching lead up to today’s impeachment trial and editing some old diary entries.  So happy not to be dealing with the spreadsheets. 

 

Spent about an hour at the BMW dealership playing a victorious Scrabble game with Michael. 

 

Lee called sounding cheerful. She said she didn’t have to worry about Jim anymore. I don’t think she’s dealing with his death at all.  Skirting around it, distracting herself with the way Tommy and Wendy are handling it.  Well, it’s how we were raised.  Death was a disappearance and grief an embarrassment.  

 

We mostly talked about her memoir group, with an interesting assignment to write about their father’s bureau. She asked if I remembered finding Dad’s condoms, and I suddenly did. “We blew them up like balloons!” I asked if we had blown them all up and Lee thought we did and suggested that was why Ginny was born. “Dad and Mom thought he was sterile after he had the mumps, so when they saw the missing condoms, maybe they said, “What hell. We don’t need condoms.” And along she came. I like the idea that Ginny was in the world due to a celebration of balloons.

 

Spent most of the rest of the day watching the Trump Senate trial, just astonished that the Republican Senators will fail to convict him after his damning behavior, so relentlessly laid out by the Democrats. 

 

Made a good chicken pot pie. 

Watched Last Tango in Halifax and West wing. Now I’m about to crush Michael in our Scrabble game.

 

Thursday February 11

Had fitful sleep with a meditation stuffed with repressed anger, partly due to my anxiety over presenting my spreadsheets today to Pam, Carole, and Dawn, who will be taking on most of the work.   I always expect bewilderment, misunderstanding, and rejection of any presentation of work. Couldn’t shake this swamp of negativity.

 

 Listened to impeachment round table  commentary  on our local public radio station. Malcolm Nance was on the panel today. He’s black and an ex-spy, no national commentator on foreign affairs. (He’s also a Columbia County Democrat and lives in the next town over from Greenport.) He blasted another panel member who claimed that systemic violence in our society was behind the January 6 rioting and that everyone was responsible. He bellowed through the speaker. “I’m not responsible! I’ve been fighting racism all my life. So have a lot of people. The insurgents are a tribe. White men against every else.” He believes we are descending into a tribal culture, with different mythologies and beliefs.

 

 In fact, the woman panelist who was charging all whites with systemic racism is embedded in her own tribe— repeating the term without any rigorous definition until it it has flattened into knee jerk jargon and become a verbal  totem pole that ridden progressives sulk around in a bog of cultural guilt.  However, by including themselves as perpetrators of racism, they are then free to excrete universal judgement on those who obstinately refuse to take the same elevated sense of responsibility.  We aren’t racists simply because our brains differentiate people into groups, although it does put us at risk for forming tribes.

 

So the Zoom meeting went really well. Dawn understood my spreadsheets. We worked out a division of labor, and I figured out a way of sharing them for updating and report, it was very cheery and satisfying. I need to give up all of this u[ eventually if my disease takes its insidious inevitable path. Carole is working with a professor who I hope going to provide lots of interns who will take on this work.

Reheated chicken pot watched Halifax and West Wing.

 

Friday February 12

 

More misunderstanding emails with Pam. So weird to work with people these days who have no computer skills at all and are reluctant to give up a manual processes that can be streamlined and save time. Full disclosure, my email tone also gets huffy if don’t watch myself. We both should get over our need to control and grasp work we don’t even like. 

 

Today, watched the slow dismemberment of a dead rabbit lying in the snow in the front yard. I think I heard his dying voice when I woke up. The crows were the first to arrive and they picked at him for most of the morning. In the afternoon a half dozen turkeys gathered around looking like as if they were trying to decide to be carnivores, but in the middle of their discussion  a very large raptor like bird, maybe  a hawk, swooped down, grabbed a great chunk of the bunny and flew up onto a branch above them. I don’t know what he was. His head looked raptor-like rather than vulpine but he had a fat white breast. He sort of looked like a huge scary penguin.  The turkey scurried off, perhaps relieved that they didn’t have to make decision about dinner.

 

Dave dropped by.  Janet back from her hip replacement three days ago and already on a cane. 

Listened to impeachment most of the day while processing food. Made corn bread and potato leek soup while Michael off to pick up Willie, here for the weekend.

 

Watched Mandalorian with Willie. Went to bed and started feeling sick. I had arrogantly stopped taking my throw up pills and my proton pump inhibitor. Lost an entire meal, chocolate ice cream and wine. Lesson learned, I’m so baked with chemicals that I thought I could quit some of drugs that dealt with the side effects.

January 30-February 5. Snow, Chemo Restart, More RK Work

 Saturday January 30

Beautiful day but very cold. Wanted to stay away from Recovery Kitchen work but got sucked in as usual by spreadsheet lure, with the only break being a call from our former neighbor Gail Lee, now living in South Carolina in one of those massive retirement villages, which she loves but would made me crazy.  Pastel homes, classic rock, movie nights, sculptured ponds with alligators.  

CNN reported that white people were getting the covid vaccine at the armory in Washington Heights designated for Hispanics. I think that’s where Harris and Neville got theirs, using some young woman who is finding vaccination sites for people (she doesn’t get paid). Harris has been texting and calling urging Michael and me get hold of her. If I tell them about the CNN report Neville will never recover from the guilt.

 

Reheated the pizza. 

 

We watched west Wing and a Fran. 

 

Willie was doing speed dating tonight, which sounds grim. We didn’t hear much about how it went. He’s been reporting back to Shannon, however, the single mother who Willie likes but has rejected as a serious relationship because she is a complete lapsed Catholic. They have been maintaining a friendship, however, and recently Shannon joked would he marry her if she agreed to go to church but would only want to hear the speech and could she play Candy Crunch on her phone.  Willie said he’d take her phone away.  

 

Sunday January 31

Really cold today with a storm heading our way. Took Willie to the train station and came home to a lot of cooking: green chili, poached chicken, and roasted apples and cranberries cooked down to a compote. 

 

Talked to Wendy who sounds tired. Ginny has suggested a zoom memorial service for Jim. I think that’s a good idea. I wonder if Ann might be interested in that for Eamon, although doubt it.

 

I got an email from Kani Xulam, my Kurdish acquaintance who asked me to be on the board of AKIN, the American Kurdish Information Network, the organization he founded that supports a Kurdistan homeland and a hatred of Turkey. Right now there are five AKIN board members: three Kurds, two “goy” (Kani’s words) and one woman. Given a longer life span than a few months, I’d love to do it.  

 

Talked to Harris and it turns out they didn’t get their vaccinations at the Armory but some Hispanic church in the Bronx. He was insistent at having Michael and I sign up there but I told him I was happy with the SUNY Albany appointment.  I suspect the Hispanic Church is also targeting Hispanics and no white people who commute down from the Hudson Valley.

 

Monday February 1

Watched a Pema session on dealing with kleshas, the Buddhist term for specific negative emotions that cause suffering, which are translated differently depending on the practice, Pema defines them as aggression, craving, ignorance, jealousy, envy, and pride. Pema uses the behaviors to use when works with them—refraining, retraining, and relaxing. Useful

 

Am aggravated with the women I work with at the recovery kitchen and then with Jill following her email criticizing Kani for using the word “goy” in his invite to the AKIN board.  Started to write a defense of Kani and his uphill support of the Kurds, but realizing I was responding only to her negative comments not to the rest of her email, which was friendly. Refraining from the pride Klesha!   Go Pema and Dorothy! 

 

Talked to Ann. Want to have her over on Thursday if I’m feeling all right after Chemo.  She sounded ok. “Sometimes I just sit and stare at the wall.” One positive outcome from Eamon’s death was reuniting with two old friends in Cincinnati from whom she has been estranged for a few years. Ted’s house, which he had deeded to Eamon and now legally falls to Ted and Ann, is a monstrosity, now ghost haunted. She shouldn’t deal with this at all, and promised she wouldn’t.  Ted’s stuff is still there, including model trains and their layouts that had huffed and puffed throughout his basement.  Ted had dumped them and everything else onto Eamon because he was too lazy to deal with it. 

 

Made a rice, cheese and ham casserole. Tasted ok but heavy. 

Watched Call My Agent and West Wing.

 

Tuesday February 2

Snow fell all night, over a foot this morning. Poor groundhog, can’t see how he’ll even get out of his hole. Michael spent the morning snow blowing. I spent the day trying to clean up the RK spreadsheets and answering emails from Jill and Peter Brown. 

 

Watched a Pema session. Then did mindful walking back and forth down the hall, timing if for twenty minutes. It was grueling. I don’t get the meditating part but the persistence it probably worth it. 

 

Chemo tomorrow, which I greet with no hope and some dread. It’s not going to cure me. It will make me sick and tired for two out of the four weeks, but if I quit or it stops working, I’ll be dead in a couple months, which still has no reality, I guess because it has no reality. I continue to make commitments to the Recovery Kitchen and pretend to my kids and friends that I’ll be around indefinitely. The true sign of my denial is if I buy vegetable seeds. 

 

Cooked beef sausages with a great relish and a salad with avocados that actually tasted good. 

 

We watched Call My Agent and continued to stream West Wing, which is one part of a liberal trilogy I’m currently engaged in, the other two being Obama’s new memoir Promised Land and tracking Biden’s first 100 days.  Thirty years of leftish efforts appear to have changed very little, given the Republican consistent adherence to the Gingrich playbook: if we don’t have control of the government, we will oppose all Democratic legislation and compromise on nothing, and when nothing gets done, we blame them and regain control in the next election.  So far, so good for the creeps. The Democrats see the guns pointing at them and are deer in the headlights and have been for thirty years.

 

Wednesday February 3

Back in the chemo salad again. Today they pumped me full of Benadryl, Dexamethasone, Pepcid AC, carboplatin and Taxol. Ready for the onslaught. I slept through most of it thanks to the Benadryl and the ministrations of my nice nurse Melissa, who is pregnant with a boy due in April. She won’t get the vaccine. She doesn’t think there’s enough evidence on it for pregnant women, although \ the indications are that it’s safe. I trust the vaccine more than I do the covert effect of the virus on a fetus.

 

I am home and it’s 4:30. I’ll try to get some Recovery Kitchen work done.  Need to set up the meal and driver spreadsheet by the end of the weekend. Pam must be rid of this work, or at least the inordinate amount that currently buries her, managing drivers and meal recipients. Chemo steroid high still at play. Hope it lasts through tomorrow. 

 

Baked chicken breasts and potatoes on a sheet pan. Cooked spinach. The dinner tasted pretty good but I browned the food under the broiler and set off the smoke alarm. Very sensitive.

 

Watched Little Things, the new Denzel movie with peculiar and inexplicably popular Ramy Malik. The film got deservedly low critic scores but Denzel is always worth the watching.

 

I posted an article on imby and sketched out a report from the spreadsheet. Nothing is simple.

 

Thursday February 4

The dexamethasone still has me hopping. Was up last night and read C.S. Lewis’ reassuring chapter on faith, which I could apply to Buddhism. Thought will deride, oppose, and neglect faith, but faith is foundational and we can sustain and reveal it using regular practices, like prayer and meditation.  So, although sleep was fitful last night, the meditations the walking periods were loaded with joy and revelations about spiritual and physical love. The downside was a certain goofiness.  Almost peed on a kitchen chair instead of the toilet, almost forgot to switch underwear this morning with a new pad, and I started to brush my teeth with the toothbrush upside down. Still love the dex; it was the only drug I was certain would turn me into an addict.  No interest in the sleepy downers. 

 

Worked all morning on the RK spreadsheet. Hope to finish before I crash but not optimistic.

 

Had long talk with Ann who isn’t coming for lunch. She’s sleeping a lot which is good.

 

Dave dropped by. Janet is having hip replacement next week. Am I envious? No, I feel lucky that my arthritis isn’t very painful. I’m lopsided from my knock knee and lack stamina from low physical activity, but not much hurt. 

 

Willie called he’s having addictive scrabble games with Shannon and she is beating him. 

 

Reheated ham casserole. Yuck. Appetite is leaving me right on schedule. 

Watched Expanse, Call my Agent, and West Wing.

 

Friday February 5

Wiped today. Worked very slowly on the spreadsheets. In the afternoon we had a Recovery Kitchen zoom meeting with Carla Sadoff who is helping us strategize. She’s a partner in the Lumeri Group, a consulting firm with many claims for world saving (the focus on trees). and a website so overloaded with bullshit that it could support several organic farms. Carla herself is appealing and earnest, with quirky behaviors and expressions (running her fingers through her hair, ducking her head down in thought, pursing her lips) establishing herself as the Fundamental Thinker in the Zoom room.  Too many good intentions with a lot of meandering. She made an obvious but also necessary observation that we needed a long-term strategy. We’re a classy soup kitchen. Pam, Carole, and I are used to thinking in terms of small businesses, but in the end, the goal isn’t to grow; it’s to go out of business.  And I’m crashing.

 

Made a puréed carrot and sweet potato soup with coconut milk and chicken stock, red chili sauce and a Spanish spice I bought online. Really good!

 

Watched Agent and two West Wings.

January 23-29. Covid Vaccine Appointments, RK Spreadsheet, and Pizza with H&N

 Saturday January 23

Felt normal today. 

Worked on organizing Recovery Kitchen driver lists so I can create a spreadsheet that will track drivers and meals and produce reports.  I'm dealing with multiple lists, including those handwritten in a loose-leaf notebook and pasted into email.  Nightmare. It takes Pam six days to work out the next week's schedule, so she wants to turn it over to someone else. But no one can take this monster on without it being in some computerized form. It should be in a database or pivot table, neither of which I’m familiar with, but at least I can put this stuff into Excel columns and tables. 

 

The Recovery Kitchen Valentine's Day dinner Eventbrite invitation is a go. 

 

Ingrid, the girl Willie had hopes for texted him today and said she has decided on another guy she has been dating along with Willie. (She’s a psychiatric resident. How does she have the time?) Anyway that makes me sad. 

 

The game Willie and I had been playing the last time he was here hasn’t been saved and we didn’t want to repeat it so I turned him on to the Mandelorian. 

 

I made knockwurst for dinner and Michael and I danced to an old Fine Young Cannibal's song. I could only shuffle my feet and twitch but it was great to move to music with Michael and feel good. Very happy I’ll get four weeks between chemo sessions.

 

Watched a Nathan and a West Wing. Neville and Harris called during them so I phoned back. Both were happily drunk celebrating the transformation of their garage into a studio.  They talked nonstop over each other, while I occasionally hammered my way into the conversation. Michael was dozing in the background. Zoe wants to buy a house down the street from them and move her mother Gladys into the apartment that’s attached to it. Harris and Neville and I all like the tribe idea, but I'd be hesitant to include Zoe and Gladys into mine. 

 

Sunday January 24

Worked on Eventbrite and Recovery Lists. What a bear.  But, good news!  Ann called and said she had an appointed for the vaccine after calling the state hotline. I was only checking website links, figuring that any Covid hotline would ring into eternity. But mirable dictu, I called and a lovely woman gave me an appointment for the vaccine on February 24 at SUNY Albany! Yay.  Confirmation 1971263. Michael and Dave, who dropped by shortly after, then called the same number, but they were booked. Apparently I called just when there was a cancellation. Dave asked the representative if there were any appointments available in New York City, since he and Janet still have an apartment there. The woman seemed puzzled and asked, “New York City? Is that near Johnsonville?” She was equally bewildered when he asked about Manhattan and the Bronx. Upstate is an entirely different universe.

 

 Willie and I spatch-cocked a chicken, which was ok. Watched the last Nathan and a West Wing.  

 

So excited about figuring ways to build the spreadsheet for Pam's complicated driver and dinner lists that I couldn't sleep. I've loved spreadsheets since the early 80s, when I started working with Lotus 1-2-3 and defined ranges and changed calculations with a sweep of light. It wasn't like math.  It was like magic. 

 

Monday January 25

Basically all I did today was to obsession the RK spreadsheet, which will provide the backbone for reports and information, but unfortunately only I will be able to read it. I was in Excel flow till six thirty so we had to order mediocre food from Wunderbar. Then watched Mandelorian for the second time with Willie, followed by the Fran Liebowitz-Martin Scorsese series, during which she reminisces about New York and he laughs at everything she says. I enjoyed her memories so much, because they reminded me of why I loved New York through five decades of radical changes.  We then dosed with West Wing.  

 

Tuesday January 26

Dealing with my frustration over my inability to convince Pam and Carole to give up some control so can I continue with my spreadsheet. They don't understand computing capabilities on this minor level. Actually they don’t understand computing at all. Pam, in fact, doesn’t even have a computer.  She does everything on her IPhone.  This doesn't stop them, however, from micromanaging. I have to remind myself of my years at SAM and Well-Connected, when I involved myself with every detail. It was Cindy who confronted me on this, forcing me to back off.

 

Snow at last! Hurray. It’s been so grim around here. 

 

Made chocolate chip cookies for the first time since I was a kid, when the tollhouse recipe was the only option. They turned out great and we all ate too many. I made curried chicken for dinner. 

 

Was still hot when Michael got home from the Greenport planning board meeting, where a guy who wanted approval for reducing three lots to two brought in his mask less six year old kid, explaining that he had to bring him because his wife had tested positive for Covid. The board should have sent him home.  Everything is nerve wracking. Watched another terrific Fran Liebowitz, a Mandelorian, and a West Wing.

 

Wednesday January 27

Lots of RK work today. Two Zoom meetings: one on how to get grants and the other for transforming this crazy hodgepodge of a delivery meal system into a coherent spreadsheet system, which I’m not sure I can do. Another volunteer, who knows spreadsheets, has offered to help out. Pam is adamant about having one person do all the work on managing deliveries that she is been doing, but neither of us wants to take it all on. In addition to maintaining lists, she also has to talk to the drivers, make sure they don't get lost, and fine substitutes for those who can do deliveries that week. So I don’t know if I can do that. I have to get everything done by the end of the week and before I do my chemo infusion next week, so I have a hard deadline. 

 

I made a meatloaf tonight. We watched Fran. Mando and West Wing

 

Thursday January 28 

Very busy day. Spent the morning cleaning up the RK spreadsheet. Then went to Harris and Neville’s for lunch. Neville made her own inspiring pizza, a pasta with mushrooms, and salad. My weird and feeble contribution was a huge tin of anchovies that I bought online by mistake, some cheese, and the last six chocolate chip cookies. Fortunately Harris was very enthusiastic about the anchovies.  Neville's friend Bobby was there, a sixty-year old eternal bachelor with a puppy-like enthusiasm for life in spite of a dysfunctional family and no long-term relationship or work. Their house gets better and better and the garage turned into studio will be terrific. 

 

In the evening Michael and I zoomed a long CCDC meeting, feeling detached and not involved. At the end of the it Keith made a heartbreaking announcement that his daughter has just died of breast cancer. More deep loss in this terrible time. 

 

Friday January 29

Worked all morning on various RK projects including a new mailer, an FB post, an article for Imby, and lists. Got tired of it all. We went to Relish for sandwiches and its last day.  Dana has finally given up her restaurant dreams after going through all their variation: a high end one, a luncheonette, a food truck, and finally the half market half luncheonette that she is closing this week. I can’t imagine she’ll give up cooking. At some point I’ll need a dinner after my friends, Michael, and I are vaccinated to celebrate the end of something, and I'll ask her to cater.

 

I bought pizza dough, and inspired by Neville, tried making one tonight, I put artichokes and cauliflower on top and it tasted ok, but the crust was very thick and was more like a focaccia.  

 

Called Lee and had a somewhat loony conversation with her. She rambled on about her anger with Jim and Tommy, with no indication of grief at all.  I then talked to Tom, who is writing his memoirs, and totally disinterested in anything else.

 

Michael got a vaccine appointment the same time as mine! Yay

Watched Fran, Mandelorian and West Wing.

January 16-22. Continuing Chemo Vomiting, George Super and Jim Burns Deaths, Jeremy's Vaccination

Saturday January 16

Rainy morning. Nasty cold that I got from Willie (hope it’s not Covid). Did some RK work.

 

Wrestled with my homegrown spreadsheet for Covid vaccine distributors. Found more vaccination provider websites that don't have any shots available.  And the sites are all different—counties (my own and neighboring), pharmacy chain, a couple medical centers, and the state site with its vaccine battlefields scattered about, the only one with available appointments being in Potsdam, nestled next to the Canadian border three hours away. You can’t register at one and have it linked to an others, and every time you check for a slot you have to fill out the eligibility form again for each one.  And then, when you click for the appointments there aren’t any (except in Potsdam). The only site that has saved my information so far is a tiny pharmacy network that probably won't get the vaccine until next Thanksgiving. You just have to keep clicking every day hoping you hit a that five second window when an appointment has been cancelled or magically gets the vaccine.  The media and the governor talk about reaching the elderly in the minority communities but there's no way that will happen with this dysfunctional online system that's hard to navigate even for people who are experienced with computers. 

 

Roasted a beast with vegetables and made Yorkshire pudding for Geoff and Kim. Talked about our crazy country and terrible President, whose vicious behavior is only made clearer as I read Obama’s memoir. How did we go from there to here in only four years? 

 

Watched a West Wing, anther reminder of how far we've fallen, and sneezed my way to bed.

 

Sunday January 17

 

Cold better, but I'm still stuffy.  Did a Pema session in the morning and then some RK work.  Saw a bit of Geoff and Kim, but they went off hiking while I dozed ok the couch upstairs, reading Obama’s Promised Land. 

 

We ordered from a new Middle Eastern restaurant in Hudson, but I was disappointed in a bland tabouli and baba ganush. The steak harissa was worthy, however. 

 

We watched the first three episodes of Mandelorian again with Geoff and Kim after they described a series of Japanese films they liked featuring a lone samurai assassin and his toddler son wandering about, frequently engaging in violent battles.  After watching, they agreed that Mandelorian had to have been inspired by these films, which Google confirmed.  They went to bed and Michael and I watched a west wing. Afterward I went back to the Obama book, my brain in a muddle of the fictional ad real past presidents and our newly elected one, all with the same centrist liberal visions and facing issues that never seem to change

 

Monday January 18

Slept very late today, but my cold seems to be essentially gone. Made my morning futile attempt to find a site with available vaccine appointments. Watched Cuomo‘s press conference, which didn’t hold out much promise for a shot anytime soon. 

 

Had a cheerful talk with Patty and Dominique, who are in Florida. Dominique is winning all kinds of horse contests down in Wellington on her good horse Jack. Dominique and I were in agreement about what a great name Jack was for an animal (her horse, my cat)  and she then she asked me how I would fill my day with joy. I listed stuff like taking a walk, making shepherds pie, and then realized I had already experienced it talking to her and my sister.

 

 Jim Dolan called and as always I ended up screaming at him over his Trump goads. It never seems to hurt our relationship, because he thinks its funny.  We engage in the clichéd arguments of the left and the right with neither of us listening to the other. 

 

Long talk with Willie. He had a live date with Ingrid, the only girl he's been cheerful about since Samantha.  It lasted seven hours, including a four-hour walk through Central Park. I suggested he might tell her about the Kartagener's syndrome, but he thought that would be weird since they haven’t even held hands. He's right. 

 

Janice Brodowski and then Jim called to tell us that George Super, our committee chair had died. He had been suffering for months through multiple surgeries on the veins in his legs.  He was a very decent man with a blue-collar history and passionate about old Democratic Party ideals, pro union, pro working class jobs.  It put him at odds with some of the progressives here who want to keep factories out and encourage tourism.  He stayed with the party to the end, but had increasingly less interest in it.

 

Made a Shepherd pie with good biscuits but I had no appetite after eating a bit of it. Stomach was cruddy and later I threw everything up between watching the Expanse and West Wing.  Fortunately it wasn't the horrible acid and once my stomach was empty I was ok. But it threw into question whether I can tolerate more chemo. I'll keep taking the poison as long as I can because there are so many people I’m fond of and love.   I even feel affection for Dolan while I’m screaming at him because he’s loyal, he makes me feel politically lazy and transient, and brought me eggplant that his sister had made. 

 

 

Tuesday January 19

Our county Committee Chair Keith emailed and asked if I would write some thing on George. I called his wife Madeline who said that George had died of Covid complications, but he was very vulnerable and frail after his history of multiple leg surgeries. My brief experience with George had given me a deeper understanding of the lost Democratic values and why Trump has won over so many working glass guys.  Here’s what I wrote:

 

George Super, the former Greenport Democratic Committee Chair, passed away on January 18 from covid-related complications. As a gifted young baseball player, he was drafted by the New York Giants but also, unfortunately, by the US Army at the same time. After serving in Korea he came back to Hudson where he worked as a truck driver and then for nearly 35 years at Universal Match, one of the many local factories that closed over the past decades.  A dedicated life-long Democrat, his political views always reflected those experiences and the classic Party values that support the working class. As a result, his positions were not always in sync with current party beliefs. As Greenport Planning Board Chair, he was critical in achieving the Wal-Mart development on Fairview, and he supported the Holcim cement plant, which most of us opposed. But his motivations were clear—he promoted policies that would restore the economic life and dignity of those left behind over the years by corporate and government neglect.

 

My experiences with George were limited to the last few years and his work as Committee Chair, where I was struck by his consistent decency, honesty, and those basic Democrat convictions. I also observed his courage during the time I knew him in enduring without complaint extreme physical pain from multiple leg surgeries. We would do well to use his life as a testimony to those values that we, as Democrats, are in danger of losing and that we must defend while simultaneously balancing them with sound progressive ideas.  I never saw him without the company of Madeline, his tough, wise wife, for whom this loss is profound.  

 

Watched a Pema session and then an old Julie Child, 

 

Carole sent the menu for the RK Valentine's Dinner fundraiser. It has multiple options for each course, which I don't think I can create using Eventbrite, the invitation website.  It would mean that people who bought tickets for the meal would have to email their choices, which someone would have to manually track.

 

It's dusk and I'm feeling lousy as usual at this time. Couldn’t eat much. Watched Expanse and West Wing, then spent the rest of the night vomiting and trying not to vomit. Zofran had no effect after two doses .So I took Compazine at around four and got some sleep. Also terribly constipated, which doesn't add to intestinal delight.  

 

Wednesday January 20

Slept late and then watched the inauguration. Wish I could be more excited but intestinal and stomach distress puts a damper on it. I called the oncology nurse for a better regimen and asked to kick back the chemo appointment. 

 

Fiddled with Eventbrite, which may have a section for creating menu options.

 

Ate chicken noodle for lunch and chocolate ice cream and arugula for dinner. Actually had a tiny movement. 

 

Wasted the afternoon going from one bad streamer to another. Reheated chili for dinner but I couldn’t eat much.  

 

Watched Expanse and West Wing. In the middle Sarah called excited by the inauguration ceremony. I pretended enthusiasm, but it’s blunted partly by my cancer, but mostly by this bizarre combination of fictional, autobiographical, and current renditions of liberal presidents that signal the lack of progress in at least thirty years and so the likelihood that nothing will change. So wish I were more excited about Joe but I’m gloomy about the 75 million voters sucking in the baby monster's lies and whom we haven't reached all.

 

Thursday January 21

Slept well. No nausea or vomiting but I’m down to 139 pounds from 150 in a week. The great news of the morning is that Jeremy is getting his first shot today. 

 

But much bad news.  My nephew Jim, who ha been suffering from bipolar for years, died from heart failure, probably due to an accidental overdose.  He had stopped taking his prescription drug some times ago, and was found with street drugs, possibly used for self-medication.  I think for Lee it was somewhat of a relief. I also have two Peckham cousins in critical care, non covid-related.  

 

Ann came over for lunch and I made us all tuna salad, which she was happy about, and she brought bakery treats, which I was happy about. A nice lunch, and I only made her cry once by talking about Eamon. Mostly we talked about the inauguration, cats, and the people from our past, whom we still don't like

 


Willie called. He is on date number 2 tonight, and was concerned about coming up this weekend, since he’s the only family member to have some exposure to the world.  It’s a little worrisome but Michael was ok with it, so was I. 

Watched Expanse, which just gets better, and West Wing comfort food. 

 

 

Friday January 22

Had a weird happy meditative sleep-ish through the night.  Appetite back today, which is definitely cheery. 

 

I seem to have a cold in my eye, which makes it weepy and I can't read well through it.  On the bright side, I had major success being able to set up menu options on Eventbrite for ticket holders, forcing them to make choices before they complete their purchase. I can create an elegant report for Jamie and Carole for planning meals. I even discovered the hidden tiny-typed instruction that let me put the ticket button on the front page. 

 

Went to see my oncologist Dr. Luyun who has agreed to let me delay the next chemo until next Tuesday, and then set up a monthly schedule rather than every tree weeks. The chemo is intended for palliation not for a cure, so if it's going to palliate then I should feel better through it not, all nauseated and constipated

 

Willie is here for the whole week, which is great. Picked him up at eight.

 

Made lasagna for dinner. Tomato sauce tasted a little raw because I didn’t have time to cook the crushed tomatoes in it long enough to develop flavor, but it was ok and will get better over the next few days in the fridge as the bacteria get a chance at some fermentation.  

 

Watched a Nathan Fielder and a West Wing.

January 9-15 Chemo Acid, Ann Comes Home, Vaccine Wait

 Saturday January 9

Slight improvement in stamina today but lots of heat burn. Read Gentleman in Moscow for most of the day. Took nap in the afternoon and then binged on Julia episodes that she hosted in her later years with the famous chefs of the early nineties, whom I currently watch hosting streaming competitions as older, mostly fat, multi-restaurant owning celebrities. Occasionally they actually cook on some of these shows, and appear to be happy doing it. 

 

In spite of multiple food show binding, I'm not very hungry tonight either. The side effects are tolerable as long as I can look forward to a respite. Willie being here is frustrating because I don’t have the energy to play. 

 

Checking on my last chemo session, I don’t seem to be bouncing back as well as I did last time, although I reread the entries from the last infusion, and I was still feeling lousy on the following Friday. Hope I can make it through this cycle. Defrosted Amy’s enchiladas. Horrible but Willie ate four of them.

 

Sunday January 10

Everything is the big wait right now. Waiting for the vaccine, waiting for Trump to go away, waiting for my chemo fog to lift, waiting for Ann to come home.  Liz texted that Ann will can't come back for up to four days pending Covid test results. 

 

Richard Wallace called and described his dramatic physical response to the Capital events, attributing it to his life as a journalist (although his life as a journalist involved writing articles on semi conductors and integrated circuits, so difficult to see how that resonated with the attack on our government). 

 

Took Willie to the train at two thirty. Wish he didn’t have to go back in to teach. 

 

Watched part of a Pema season but I’m so tired I could hardly stay awake through it.

 

Liz called distressed because she was at Ann's house clearing out her refrigerator, and dumping numerous half filled jars of tomato sauce down the drain, which subsequently clogged.  Dave came over later, plunged it, and figured out how to use the garbage disposal

 

Managed to make a faux pasta puttanesca but stop feeling crappy. Do hope I can get through the next two cycles.

 

Monday January 11

Feeling better today.  Watching Cuomo’s optimistic state of the state. Politically he keeps me going even though is unlikely he’ll accomplish ten percent of his worthy goals. Coincidentally West Wing's episode last night was about the state of the Union and it’s weird how similar the tone of hope is between the fictional president and our current governor. 

 

The vaccine appointments opened up today for Willie and me but we're still weeks away from getting the shot.

 

Felt nauseated around noon. Took a Zofran and a short walk of mindful hobbling to the pond and up to the drive in the hope that both would help, which they did. My meditations these days have been muddy. I need a more consistent practice to help get through the chemo because when I do it really helps. 

 

Liz emailed. Ann coming back tomorrow. Good.

 

Watched a Pema session from the couch then did prolonged difficult meditation using Tonglen and shempa to focus on the side effects. Helpful but am concerned about how long the side effects are lasting. I need to get through two more cycles. Then I’m done. Just want to see the spring.  

 

No appetite. Ate a baked potato for dinner. 

 

Watched West Wing and Lupin-a New French show about a jewelry thief. Very promising. Has brutal heartburn midway and Michael brought me Tums. Lifesaver.

 

Tuesday January 12

Watching part two of Cuomo's state of the state, which included converting unneeded commercial space into affordable been supportive housing and implementing universal inexpensive broadband. We'll see.

 

A little better this morning, but side effects feel like a hangover, which makes sense since its all leftover poison. Was able to eat a roast beef sandwich. 

 

Willie called and has a sore throat. He’ll get himself tested tomorrow. He is still excited about Ingrid, the new online date. I hope it evolves into something. 

 

Geoff also called. The boys and Ayesha are doing well. Julian is going to stay in Queens for the semester, which I’m happy about. They’ve just added over 65-year-olds to the vaccine qualifications, which means the current websites with their inadequate confusing sign-up interfaces will be swamped.  And god knows what happens to older people without the money or knowledge to access computers.  It's hard enough when you know how to use them.  Probably no vaccine till March or April.

 

While watching Lupine and West Wing I developed heartburn burn so severe that I vomited burning acid and all the spaghetti that I had had hard time eating in the first place. I hope this is over now.

 

Liz emailed that Ann is home and seems ok. Carrie is going to bring dinner tomorrow night. I had a long conversation with Dan, who took care of Ann while she was out in Cincinnati. He is concerned about her, of course, but he particularly was furious that Ann's terrible ex sister-in-law wants to launch a murder investigation, which is absurd. Dan told me that Eamon had apparently attempted suicide a few months ago and told his friend not to tell anybody, so the friend didn’t. Dan told me not to tell Ann, but I’m wondering if it might be helpful.  She is inevitably beating herself up for not being there at Christmas, but she had no idea that Eamon was in that deep a depression and covid is still a major threat.  If she known about his suicide attempt earlier, she would have taken action and gone out, but she didn't know. Dan also thinks Ted and his terrible family are going to try to screw Ann out of any money from Eamon’s estate, but I don’t think Ann would care. I just hope Ted doesn’t turn that terrible house over to her, because she might feel obligated to go through it. Dan says it’s a nightmare. And of course it’s where Eamon hanged himself. There’s no good way to get through this.

 

Wednesday January 13

Was awake most of the night feeling like there was a hole in my stomach. I threw up in the morning.  I looked up treatments for acid induced chemo vomit. Pepcid AC looked good and I called Dr. Luyun’s nurse who confirmed that it was ok to take ate it.  Michael went to the drugstore and brought some back. I made ginger tea and heated up some Campbell's chicken noodle soup, which I couldn’t finish but got some down. 

 

Went upstairs to watch Trump's second impeachment trial, with its incomprehensible Republican opposition. Gradually felt much better although washed out. 

 

Liz phoned about Ann, who called me in the middle of our conversation, I called her back but both of us were watching the impeachment so agreed to talk afterwards. Called her after the impeachment vote and she rattled on for a long time, mostly about trivia, but why not? She apologized for being boring and said she needed to isolate herself for a few days. Whatever helps.  Empathizing with her is even painful. 

 

Michael got pizza and various other food from Oak for dinner. I could only eat two pieces of pizza. Appetite still crappy. But they are now selling wonderful deli roast beef and oven baked bread so I plan on making great sandwiches tomorrow. Hope my appetite returns. We watched Lupine on Netflix and then some West Wing.

 

 

Thursday January 14

Much better today! Thank you, Pepcid AC. Dropped ten pounds this past week. Made a wonderful roast beast sandwich for lunch. 

 

Went over to Ann’s today, who is back from Cincinnati with Eamon’s ashes. She looks gaunt and I’m sure not eating much but she appears to be getting through this in a real way, letting herself fall apart between periods of functioning. The worst pain. She told me that right before she left Ted (who has done nothing to deal with the practicalities of Eamon’s death) has himself cheered with a reservation for his next-multi month cruise, which he takes two or three times a year. Ann had Eamon cremated as quickly possible to forestall the autopsy Ted's family has wanted to determine if Eamon was murdered, for which there is absolutely no indication. Neither Ted’s sister nor brother ever called Ann to express sympathy. Dreadful entitled rich people. 

 

Lots of RK work needed. Valentines dinner coming up.

 

Nice email from Jill. I had become a little paranoid because she hadn’t responded to my voicemail, which wouldn't have worried me if it had been either of my sons. 

 

I cooked tonight! Chicken breasts and sweet potatoes. Low appetite but horrible heartburn is gone.

 

Watched last of the first part of Lupine and a West Wing.

 

Friday January 15

Still no vaccine availability on either the county or state website. I've been checking the websites early in the morning every day and there's nothing. Nevertheless, people are getting it. Carole Clark called me this morning from a line while waiting for her first shot at the Community College down the road from house! She went on the county site last week and found an appointment immediately. At his presser today, Cuomo said there are no vaccines available right now. Tell me about it.

 

Made chocolate ice cream this afternoon. Trying to work on a basic recipe that uses xanthan gum and golden syrup. Basic brew tasted great.  We'll see if crystals develop. 

 

Ate leftover pizza while waiting for Geoff and Kim. Watched a recent lazy Liam Niesum film about a bank robber.  Waste of an action movie.  Boring plot. Witless dialogue. 

 

After they arrived, we talked to Geoff and Kim about political chaos— all of us obsessed--and their kids, all of whom are doing well. They went back to the little house and I checked the ice cream. Very successful! Smooth an